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Piranha Grandma, Ski Slope Hair, and the Sneaky Milk Thief

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Arrested: 10/5 Charged with: Trespassing after warning Aaaaah! The mythical Piranha Grandma! Quick, throw a warm chocolate chip cookie in its mouth and put on the soaps before it devours us all! Arrested: 10/4 Charged with: Possession of a controlled substance Hey, it's a real life version of Snoop from The Wire, who herself was a real-life version of Snoop from Baltimore. What was that sound she used to make? "Eryeep!"? There's no joke here. We just really miss that show. Arrested: 10/6 Charged with: Possession of stolen or fictitious driver's license, false information to law officer, fraudulent use of identification info, grand theft third degree, attempted organized fraud Man, wish we had our hair skis. We'd be all Picaboo Street on this mother. Arrested: 9/30 Charged with: Habitually driving with suspended license, possession of marijuana Man, who's your hairstylist? God? Those 'rows are the most impressive thing we've ever seen. And we've been to the Everglades. Arrested: 10/2 Charged with: Conducting business without a license That's the "caught-stealing-milk-from-the-fridge" look. Who's milk you stealing, dude? Better not be our milk. Okay? We're making coffee later. Arrested: 10/4 Charged with: Criminal mischief Well, excuuuuuuuuse us for interrupting your busy tanning at the Standard schedule. Arrested: 10/2 Charged with: Disorderly conduct in an establishment If you ever want to cop some "tar" in an unfamiliar city, you find the guy who looks like this. We're not even totally clear on what "tar" is, but we're pretty sure he knows how to find some. Arrested: 9/28 Charged with: Fugitive, out of state warrant They're showing math teachers footage from 2 Girls 1 Cup before they take their mugshot? Does the ACLU know about this? Arrested: 9/29 Charged with: Urinating/defecating in public (Miami Beach) This guy looks like he'd be a really great henchman. A more prominent criminal needs to look past the pooping and peeing rap sheet and take this fella under his wing.

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Gus Garcia-Roberts