Palm Beach Septic Company Tricked Old People Into Buying 70 Years Worth of Toilet Paper

​​Did you know that the EPA can now fine you if your house's septic tank is dirty? Or that the EPA now requires toilet paper be made from synthetic materials instead of traditional wood fiber? And that the government agency is banning animal fat from soap?

Actually, that's all bullshit. But those are the lines used by a Palm Beach-based company, FBK Products, to sell more than a $1,000,000 of bogus septic tank cleaning supplies to elderly people across the country.

Three FBK salespeople pleaded guilty Monday for their part in the septic scam. To add insult to injury, court documents show that the company's victims weren't just tricked into buying 70 years of toilet paper. They were also put on an "idiot list" to be harassed repeatedly.

Palm Beach residents Mary Moore, Joseph Nouerand, and Christopher Lincoln all pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud for their role in the scam.

From March 2009 to October 2010, they and other FBK employees sold something called Septic Remedy for $199 to unsuspecting, fecal-fearing Americans.

According to FBK's website:

Septic Remedy is sold as a 5 year supply of 60 solu-packs per order. Just drop one pack of Septic Remedy into your commode, once per month and you can rest easy. No messy measuring, no running to the store to buy less effective products each month. With just one order of Septic Remedy, you are making a wise move in protecting your home.

If potential customers weren't immediately swayed, court documents show that FBK salespeople would lie to them about supposedly new EPA regulations that would transform their bathrooms into veritable fountains of human waste -- if not for Septic Remedy.

But the lies didn't stop once grandma bought Septic Remedy. Instead, the indictment says, FBK salespeople would add her name to an "idiot list" and keep calling her with more bogus claims.

For instance, FBK product peddlers would convince customers that Big Brother regulations had changed yet again, forcing them to buy "Septic Remedy: Phase II" unless they wanted a river of shit running through their quaint suburban home.

As part of the scam, some customers were hoodwinked into purchasing 70 years of supposedly special toilet paper from FBK. But hey, maybe they can pass it on down to their grandkids (the unused stuff, of course).

There's really only one word for the whole FBK scam and that, of course, is: shitty.
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Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.