Ozzie Guillen Promises to Get Sh!t-Faced After Every Single Marlins Game

Ozzie Guillen is officially all of Miami's drunk uncle. He's the kind of guy who just mutters and complains and yells at your bratty cousins during the day on family trips, and spends the nights getting drunk by himself at the hotel bar.

No, really, that's exactly who he is.

The media asked what Ozzie likes to do after games end on road trips.

"I get drunk because I'm happy we win or I get drunk because I'm very sad and disturbed because we lose," Guillen replied according to CBS Sports. "Same routine, it never changes. It's been the same routine for 25, 28 years. It doesn't change. I don't like to go out."

He really doesn't like to go out. He's lived in Miami during the off-season for 12 years and has only gone to South Beach three times. He's never seen the Golden Gate bridge, or other famous landmarks despite traversing the country.

He's just seen a lot of hotel bars, and it seems like the only part of him that can remember a few of them is his liver.

Ozzie doesn't do much after he wakes up, either.

"I don't have time," Guillen said. "I've got to be here early, and I go to sleep so drunk that I have to recover in time to go to the park."

Potential health issues aside, Ozzie sees the upside in his functioning drunkenness.

"I never get in trouble, you see that?" he says. "I never leave the hotel. Nobody can call my wife and tell her they see Ozzie in this bar or place. ... I never get in trouble, I don't go out. If I got drunk and someone talked [smack] to me, there'd be a fight. I'm too little to fight. If I was [Giancarlo] Stanton's size, I would be looking for fights. I can't. I might get killed."

It's okay, Ozzie. Marlins fans should be able to relate. Half of the people who have remained true Marlins fans though out the year probably have had to get drunk after every single game too.

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Kyle Munzenrieder