Nightclub Jitters

Tom Smith, major mullah of local noise band To Live and Shave in L.A., which also includes bassist Rat Bastard and oscillator-theremin player Ben Wolcott, calls to engage in a little P.R., shifting into self-promo overdrive at the sound of the beep. To paraphrase Bette Davis in All About Eve, "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy read." Ladies and gentlemen, with a tiny bit of bracketed elucidation for the rock-idiom-impaired, Nightclub Jitters proudly presents the dulcet tones of Mister Tom Smith:

"Hi, it's Tom Smith from To Live and Shave in L.A. We have a lot of stuff happening. We just got selected for CMJ [Music Marathon and MusicFest, September 6-9 in New York City]. We'll be playing up there on the seventh of September at the Pyramid. Gerard Cosloy from Matador [Records] just got us a show at CBGB [also in New York, on August 18]. We're doing minitours around both the August and September New York dates [including a September 3 noise/improv fest date in Atlanta]. Audible Hiss, the label that Caroline [Records] distributes, just asked us to do a CD [An Interview With the Mitchell Brothers]. So by the end of the year, we'll have like four CDs out, plus we have another twelve-inch album coming out [Where a Horse Has Been Standing and Where You Belong, on the band's own label, Love Is Sharing Pharmaceuticals], a couple of seven-inches [the six-song Prostitution Heute, the two-song New Songs With Drug and Pornographic Themes]. I don't know, man, we're happening. Maybe you think we suck, but at least we're happening. And I think we have more records combined than all the other fucking Miami groups out there. Maybe I'm wrong. You probably know me as an arrogant son of a bitch, and I am. Do you guys have a copy of our new CD, Vedder Vedder Bedwetter? If you don't, let me know, and I'll make sure you get one. Thanks. Bye."

Five days later, this voice-mail update, prompted by a return phone call message from Nightclub Jitters left on Smith's answering machine:

"Yeah, a lot of stuff going on. Harry Pussy's going to CMJ, too -- that's really cool. So of all the pussywad bands that you guys promote every week, like 23 and Muse and all that crap, I think the two hated bands are the ones that're recognized by the industry as having some sort of a future, thank you so very much [chuckles]. We're playing with a bunch of assorted strangeness at the Pyramid [Scottish band Spare Snare, Japanese band W. Nico]. Give me a call so we can talk, if you want to suck up to me and take this P.R. challenge. Harry Pussy's going to CMJ, so that's two of us from the area that I know of. I'm not sure if the Goods are going to be making it this year -- [sotto voce] oohh, that hurt. All right, take care, you're doing a fine job there. God bless you. Bye."

Got all that?

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Michael Yockel