New Year Resolutions For Miami's Best and Brightest

Page 2 of 2

Jeff Ireland

When a fan berates you during a game, call him an asshole to his face instead of muttering the insult under your breath. Ginger McWonderpants, it's time to embrace your role as the Miami Dolphins' franchise villain. Oh, and draft a stud wide receiver in the first round already.

The City of Sweetwater

Stop sending out news releases every time a trendy crime wave blows into Miami-Dade. No one cares that you banned bath salts or arrested Manolo from Scarface. We shouldn't be surprised that a city founded by circus midgets is desperate for attention, but it's just sad.

Giancarlo Stanton

Drink heavily and consider a Prozac prescription. This year is gonna suck, buddy.

The Beacon Council

Start running criminal background checks on the individuals who own or operate companies that ask for tax breaks. It's the only way you can avoid embarrassing stories about how you helped a company owned by a convicted cocaine trafficker and alleged deadbeat win approval for $400,000 in government tax breaks, as Banah Sugar owner Alexander I. Perez did this past year.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Francisco Alvarado was born in Nicaragua and grew up in Miami, giving him unique insight into the Magic City and all its dark corners. An investigative reporter with a knack for uncovering corruption, Alvarado made his bones as a staff writer at Miami New Times and remains in dogged pursuit of the next juicy story.