Mugshots Friday: Wipe That Off Your Face

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Arrested: 12/29

Charged With: Petit Theft
Girl, you are not McKayla Maroney. Wipe that "not impressed" look off your face.

Arrested: 12/27
Charged With: Grand Theft and Driving Without a Valid License
The things kids does to make up for not being able to grow a full mustache. Last week it was facial tattoos. This week it's maladroit '80s glam metal hair.

Arrested: 12/29
Charged With: Disorderly Conduct
Dude, you got something going on in your beard/hair area. Is that ...is that some sort of body fluid? Oh God, please tell me that's just spit.

Arrested: 01/02
Charged With: Burglary, Grand Theft and Identification Fraud
In case you've ever wondered what happens when you go to Real Housewives of Miami's Mama Elsa's plastic surgeon and say, "Make me look like Cher."

Arrested: 12/29
Charged With: Vehicular Grand Theft
There is now way this mugshot was not taking in the middle of this man telling a police officer to "go fuck yourself."

Arrested: 12/25
Charged With: Prowling and Aggravated Stalking
In case you've ever wondered, this is what it would look like if Drake and Jay-Z somehow had a baby together.

Arrested: 01/01
Charged With: Aggravated Battery
And this is what happens when you splice together the genes of Lil' Wayne and Whoopie Goldberg, and no you do not even begin to want to mess with Lil' Whoop. She will cut you.

Arrested: 01/01
Charged With: Grand Theft
To avoid being to0 mean, I will just note that her official booking info lists her hair colors as "mix."

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