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| Columns |

Mugshots Friday: Theater Pearls, a Couple of Cautionary Tales, and a Dude That Will Beat You With a Phone

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Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Arrested: 1/28

Charged with: Burglary of an unoccupied conveyance, use of false name/ID after arrest

Well isn't this a wonderful touch of class. Maybe this will be the Downton Abbey edition of Mugshots Friday.

Arrested: 1/27

Charged with: Grand theft, eluding police in a high speed chase causing injury or death, resisting an officer, reckless driving

This is why we don't leave the house. The moment you step out into society, there's a 1.4-percent chance that your day is going to end with you looking like this. Much less risky to subsist on frozen pizza and spoonfuls of peanut butter while watching some PBS show that you're going to reference in a blog the next morning.

Arrested: 1/30

Charged with: Burglary, criminal mischief, resisting officer without violence.

Also, never have children because they grow up to be teenagers.

Arrested: 1/30

Charged with: Threats/extortion, grand theft

You know how when people tape big games, they warn everybody they see that they better not say who won or what happened, because they haven't watched the game yet? This guy's like that with the 1990s. The reason he was arrested was because he kept threatening people when they started to reminisce about Boyz II Men and the Y2K scare.

Arrested: 1/29

Charged with: Disorderly conduct, breach of the peace

87-percent chance that if the photographer panned out, he has nothing on his bottom half but a thong.

Arrested: 1/31

Charged with: Resisting officer without violence, criminal mischief

There's something very "Boy Named Sue" about this guy's dread pompadour. It's like he's just daring you to tell him you're heading to Knaus Berry Farm because you suddenly have a craving for a cinnamon roll.

Arrested: 1/27

Charged with: Disorderly intoxication

Dude, it's not an OkCupid profile photo. They're not going to photoshop the Andes behind you and a labrador-wearing-a-bandana by your side.

Arrested: 2/1

Charged with: Loitering/prowling

And this kid. We don't know if we're delighted to see him or really, really scared.

Arrested: 1/27

Charged with: Possession of cocaine with intent to deliver

He's innocent until proven guilty on the whole coke-dealing thing. But something about this guy's facial expression, his Sean John v-neck, and the way his face glimmers pale in the moonlight makes us suspect that he may be pretty good at beating people's faces with telephone receivers.

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