Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Charged with: Cocaine possession
Sunburn, bikini top as bra, "TRAP$TAR", weird highlights. Yep, this lady spent too long in Cocoa Beach.
Charged with: Burglary with assault
And here's the Thelma to her Louise.
Charged with: Probation violation
This guy's clearly had a bad day, but he still is able to remain entirely expressionless. The man gives nary of fucks.
Charged with: Armed robbery with a deadly weapon
I stared at this photo until I felt this guy's glare cutting trough my spleen, and I've decided: The scariest part of his face is the tiny crease between his eyes above his nose.
Charged with: Battery, Cocaine possession, strongarm robbery, burglary with assault, battery on person 65 or older
I'm not even gonna make fun of this guy because our office address is published on this site and if I see this guy's head bobbing above the cubicles, I'm jumping out a window.
Charged with: Consuming alcohol in public
You've hit rock bottom when even you don't know if it's poop or a birthmark.
Charged with: Possession of cannabis, possession of drug paraphernalia
This guy and his pointy hair, on the other hand, have it all figured out. Why do we feel like him getting arrested is all part of his grand plan, and he's going to turn the jail around through slightly overly critical constructive criticism and get promoted from prisoner to warden within 48 hours?
Charged with: Trespassing after warning
We see a lot of feather earrings in our mugshots these days. Men, consider buying your special lady friend a pair of feather earrings this [upcoming holiday]. There's no joke here, this is a sponsored post and we're hoping whoever makes feathered earrings will throw us a few bucks.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Charged with: Carrying concealed firearm, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, possession of cannabis
We don't usually reveal names here, but something tells me this lady's not too worried about her Google impression. Her name is Mahogonie Monque Maxwell, and she's my new favorite person.