Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Charged with: Loitering, possession of burglary tools
The sudden realization hits most of us at least once in our life: Dude, my hair is getting out of control. Arrested: 7/9
Charged with: Disorderly conduct, criminal mischief, first-degree arson, escape attempt
You have a scary-ass list of criminal charges and you're covered in creepy lacerations. Don't make that innocent little face like you're suddenly the Coppertone Girl.
Charged with: Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon
What the fuck is going on with rappers these days? If they're not peddling some bootleg cognac produced at a French farm they personally toured, they're capping their teeth, shaving their widow's peak, and having the real first name "British." British?! We would kill for a good ol' Ol' Dirty Bastard mugshot right about now. Arrested: 7/11
Charged with: Aggravated battery of a pregnant victim
Well, aren't you a terrible person with your pointy, square-ass chin. Arrested: 7/10
Charged with: Criminal mischief, aggressive panhandling
We'd like to spend an afternoon or two sipping whiskey with this guy under a big, shady mango tree. Sometimes people would pull up with car trouble and he'd instantly identify the problem just by listening to the engine. We'd do work for $5 that your average mechanic would charge a hundred for because we're just buying one more bottle either way. Always one more. Guaranteed, his name is something awesome, like Zaccheus Skinner. Arrested: 7/9
Charged with: Cocaine possession
Just kidding -- Zaccheus would never want to hang out with us. He would hang out with this dude, though, but they'd never talk. Arrested: 7/10
Charged with: Issuing a worthless check, no valid driver's license
Sorry, ma'am, didn't know you were changing in here. We're just going to turn the page.
Warning: Everybody below has just watched The Tree of Life.
Charged with: Battery Arrested: 7/9
Charged with: Battery Arrested: 7/8
Charged with: Intent to distribute cannabis, use/display of a firearm while committing a felony Arrested: 7/8
Charged with: Trespassing, disorderly intoxication Arrested: 7/10
Charged with: Petty retail theft