Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Charged with: Cocaine possession
We don't know whether to throw a skeeball at his face or save the ice caps from melting so he doesn't drown.
Charged with: Attempted strongarmed robbery and assault
This guy just looks like a ton of fun. He looks like he's from Minnesota and he invents amazing sports when he's drunk and bored, and he had a great ska record collection in junior high.
Charged with: Battery
We were doubting the veracity of the "infinite wisdom" tattoo (because of the whole arrested for battery thing) but that all-knowing squint confirms that this is indeed Miami-Dade County's version of the monk that you climb the Tibetan mountain to ask advice of. Only thing is, about 46-percent of the time, he's going to punch you in the face.
Charged with: Assault, obstruction, disorderly conduct
"Hey uh, this photo aint going to be on some alt-weekly's blog where some dipshit writer's gonna wonder whether this thing on the back of my head is ironic or not, right? 'Cause if that happens, I'm gonna have to find that writer and sit on his face while punching his nads."
Charged with: Resisting officer without violence
Hey, don't let us keep you with this whole "arrested" thing if you got some place cooler to be, like in the background of a photo in Nas' liner notes or something.
Charged with: Burglary of an unoccupied conveyance, possession of burglary tools, aggravated assault, criminial mischief, loitering or prowling
Whatever happened to the good, reliable goon? You know, the former boxer who you could pay some pittance-- or if you're a really busy crime boss, keep on retainer for something like $85 a day plus any extra fur coats-- to bust a dude's head behind the bowling alley? The moment this guy shows up at your door, you're pawning your wedding ring to pay up, and it only takes like two seconds of the third-of-the-way-through-the-movie doo-wop montage.
Charged with: Fleeing police officer, obstruction by disguised person, felony battery, strongarm robbery
And seconds after this photo was taken, this badass lady had choked a jail guard with his keyring, stolen one of those cop-in-a-box scooters, and assumed a whole new identity. Okay, we have to stop watching movies on cable.
Charged with: Domestic battery by strangulation, aggravated assault
That's the kind of smile that's called "cheesing", right? Look at it a bit too long and it starts to get really unnerving.
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Charged with: Possession of a controlled substance
Is there a Hot in Cleveland castmember crime wave going on? Are we in danger of being shanked by Betty White?