This was the week Miami spent looking very hard at balls. First tar balls started showing up on our shores, sending scientists scrambling to determine whether we will soon be engulfed by a black goop monster courtesy of British Petroleum. The short answer: yes. Then, at a rate of 22 times an hour, ESPN replayed footage of our Marlins shortstop lazily jogging after a baseball and refusing to apologize. Rounding out the ball-centric madness, Ron Jeremy was in town, and you know he can't keep his pants on.
With all the flying orbs, some very fine moronic behavior went un-noticed. So, as a courtesy to the community, we've collated them into list form. Your morons of the week are...
5. Kids these days
Remember when a gang initiation was a switchblade fight in the school parking lot? In North Miami, apparently, its hurling Molotov cocktails. Three houses and three cars have been hit by the fiery projectiles, yet more evidence that Miami is hurtling towards the apocalypse.
4. Whoever is responsible for the I-95 billboards featuring George W. Bush asking, "Miss Me Yet?"
Speaking of projectiles, anybody have an extra tar ball lying around?
3. Eva N. Ravelo, the Coconut Grove principal who told a parent in e-mail to "eat sh-- and die."
Of course, because she actually used those dashes herself, we can't be sure that she was being obscene. Maybe she meant "Eat shop and die," a wry assessment of the pointlessness of modern life? Deep.
2. Miami-Dade Burglary Detective John Villar, busted for allegedly strong-arming $131,000 in winnings from a gambler.
Tipped off by the operator of a sports-gambling site, cops says, Villar and an accomplice pulled over a guy who had just picked up big winnings and, claiming to be a narcotics cop, took the cash as "evidence." But the gambler chased Villar in his car and flagged down a state trooper, who pulled over the off-duty detective -- sending his crony sprinting away with the Christmas gift bag full of money.
Investigators immediately found evidence of the scheme in phone records connecting the owner of the gambling site and Villar. So the only question remaining: Could these guys get any more bumbling? Were they aiming for a Coen Brothers film deal?
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1. Jose Yanez, Jr. and Damian Roberto Gonzalez, traveling cardboard thieves.
These two winners from Miami-Dade County were busted in Port St. Lucie loading pallets of compressed cardboard from behind a store into their truck. Pressed by cops, they soon gave up the details in what is an early candidate for the year's most two-bit heist:
Yanez said he "hit" three Publix stores, a CVS, Toys R Us, Dollar Tree, Home Depot as well as a Babies R Us next to Target where police encountered the men.
Who says Miami doesn't have a working relationship with the rest of Florida? We export our morons throughout the state.