From blood-stained guajiros to litigious ex-convicts to shameful rappers to slithering billionaires, this week proved that moronic behavior knows no boundaries of class or race. In South Florida, pea-sized brains can be found in all sorts of heads.
5. Billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, who forgot to pay his sex offender bill.
33 women, as young as 14, were prepared to testify that Epstein sexually assaulted them. If he was you average schlub, he would be carving soap sculptures in a cell for at least a couple of decades. But Epstein was sentenced to only eighteen months in prison and a year of house arrest in his $6.8 million Palm Beach mansion.
He dodged real punishment from the feds by agreeing to pay legal fees for his victims, but he's refused to keep up with the payments and now reportedly owes $2 million-- roughly the cost of a hot-air balloon ride to Fiji followed by sky-diving into a custom-built lake of champagne and pomegranate seeds, or whatever it is billionaires do with their money.
Where's an under-the-bridge molester colony when you need one?
4. Rick Ross
This award is to be shared by a) the former-corrections-officer-turned-rapper who tried to bolster his baseless claims of a past life of crime by naming himself after a jailed drug dealer, and b) the recently-freed drug dealer who is now suing the rapper for ruining his business interests by borrowing his name.
Rapper Rick Ross, be yourself. You weren't the boss, you were an employee. Can't you rap about how unpaid overtime's a bitch and the break lounge needs a new couch? And kingpin Rick Ross, lay off on those business interests. The world does not need another crappy t-shirt label, or some straight-to-DVD movie where you're played by Mekhi Phifer.
3. Football players who had anything to do with pregnant women in South Florida.
Dolphins' tight end Phillip Merling was arrested in Davie for allegedly socking his pregnant girlfriend. Washington Resdkins' defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth was sued for $10 million by a stripper who claimed he knocked her up in Miami during the Super Bowl.
We've said it before: Football players and unborn babies just don't mix. In fact, one of the most confusing parts about following the NFL is keeping track of all the NFL (New Fetus-Related Litigation).
2. Ramon Clemente and Modesto Chavez-Villa, keepers of the creepiest van in the county.
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Cops found an abandoned white Econoline smeared with bloody handprints. Inside there was 200 pounds of horse meat and a couple of severed horse legs. The owner of the van Clemente and his BFF Cavez-Villa were tracked down and arrested for "loitering and prowling" while looking like evil Muppets.
1. Sherrine and Philipe Mathieu, charged with 860 counts of child neglect.
For eight years, they forced their daughter to live outside of their house, sleep in an old car in front of the house and bathe using a shower hose in the yard. Their reason: The mother wouldn't allow the family in the house while "it was being cleaned".
Never before have these three letters felt more appropriate: WTF?