4
| Columns |

Morons of the Week: Super Bowl Aftermath Edition

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Can it be only last week that we were invaded by hordes of screaming, mildly retarded tourists? It seems they have left some of their finest morons, many of them in jail cells throughout the county. Let's take a look at the Morons of the Week: Super Bowl Aftermath Edition.

5. Warren Sapp

Whoever entered the former Buccaneers tackle in the Which NFL Personality Can't Handle a Super Bowl in Miami sweepstakes, come up and collect your prize: A ShamWow, in honor of the pitchman who similarly was accused of beating up a woman in a Miami Beach hotel. Very unoriginal, Warren!

4. Fred Quinton Collins, the Alleged Hawaiian Pimp Who Brought Three Prostitutes to Work the Super Bowl, Including An Underage Girl

This guy is great for "Guess the Pimp's Nickname!" Is it Freaky Fred? Iceberg Collins? Q-Ball Slim? Enter your suggestions below, kids!

3. Michael Irvin

Okay, if you chose this Hall of Fame Cowboy in the Sweepstakes, you've won an ashtray with Dwyane Wade's face on it -- in honor of athletes being hit with sexual lawsuits that are somewhat dubious but nonetheless fun to gossip about! Enjoy!

2. Tony McDaniel

If you bought the trifecta ticket featuring Sapp, Irvin, and Dolphins defensive tackle McDaniel, you win the grand prize: A signed copy of Pacman Jones' poetry manuscript, entitled, simply, Rain. Huzzah!

1. Any members of the "deaf community" who think the deaf-little-girl-Super-Bowl-essay-winner is wrong to have gotten surgery to improve her hearing

You've officially crossed into evil-person territory. Congrats, here's your life-size Rae Carruth cut-out!

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.