Consider this blog post to be an ark of common sense with which you can safely navigate this week's moronic flood. Yep, the stupids really rained down on us since the last installment. Let's get started:
5. Caleyo Daryl Machado, alleged weed grow house robber
So this upstanding Miamian is accused of traveling to Port St. Lucie with some cronies to rob the operator of a marijuana grow house. They allegedly left the weed grower, Jose Matilde Gomez, bound naked with duct tape while they absconded with the plants.
When police arrived, Gomez was still bound and evidence of his operation was everywhere -- so the weed grower was arrested for marijuana cultivation. With nothing to lose by telling the truth, the green thumb told cops what happened, and Machado was arrested.
Which goes to show you: When you rob a drug dealer, make sure you free him when you're done so that he can tidy up the place before the cops get there.
4. Bruce Howard-Smith, Hands on Miami charity officer who stole $10,000
It's not the fact that this guy exploited a position of trust to steal money. And it's not that the cash could have gone to such deserving causes as feeding the homeless and cleaning up city streets. No, what really irks us about Bruce Howard-Smith is that he's ruining Tito Jackson's good name by looking exactly like him. The nerve!
3. Dwyane Wade, who lost $1.5 million in a condo deal
What a mooo-ron. We mean, who does that? He clearly singlehandedly caused the condo bust through all of his risky speculating. Oh, and have you heard about his divorce?
Eh, too much Wade-bashing is making us sleepy. The guy tweeted a call for prayer for the Heat plane's pilot who fell into a diabetic coma, for Christ's sake. That should earn him a week of serene treatment from the press. Okay, three days.
2. All of the fake uniformed personnel these days
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Okay, so it's pretty disturbing that a fake cop in a Dodge Charger is pulling people over, stabbing them, and taking their jewelry. And the dude posing as a firefighter for no good reason -- that could be potentially dangerous as well. But we're most upset by the ragtag bunch of hobos who have evidently gotten their hands on some bootleg Marlins jerseys and are posing as relief pitchers in Miami Gardens. What of the children?!
1. Christian Alvarez-Vega, Miami police officer who allegedly stole an accident victim's ATM card
Of the eight taxpayer-paid morons netted in the much-hyped "federal corruption probe" that broke yesterday -- Hey Mully and Sculder, of all the under-the-table palm-greasing that goes on in Miami, these two-bit scam artists were the best you could do? -- Christian Alvarez-Vega wins the top award for depraved pettiness. The Miami cop allegedly pinched the debit card of a car accident victim he was transporting to the hospital. Then he later called the victim and asked for the card's PIN number, citing "official police business" (huh?) and withdrew $460.
Which makes you wonder what kind of shenanigans this cop was pulling that he didn't get busted for. We don't know who's more dangerous -- the wacko posing as a police officer or the real thing.