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| Columns |

Morons of the Week: 92-Year-Old Woman, Deprived of a Kiss, Opens Fire

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It's Wednesday, and what better way to celebrate hump day than with a collection of morons, right? In this edition of Riptide's occasional series Morons of the Week, you'll meet a 92-year-old lady and her hunky, 53-year-old neighbor, as well as a dude who didn't pass the NY bar. But first, three guys in Hialeah who lost "a large amount of pot" during a routine traffic stop. Morons.

Dude, Where's My Pot?

Three men were arrested in Hialeah Tuesday after fleeing the scene of a routine traffic stop. Why did they flee? The SUV they were in contained "a large amount of pot," according to NBC Miami. Two of the dudes were picked up in a nearby laundromat, and the other was nabbed in an alley shortly after the incident.

The guys aren't morons for having some grass in their car, but rather for not keeping it in air-tight diversion stash containers like this one.

C'mon, Dwight, Kiss Her

Kissing a 92-year-old woman is harmless. Not kissing one, however, can be quite dangerous. In Fort McCoy, Florida, 92-year-old Helen B. Staudinger opened fire on her 53-year-old crush after he refused to kiss her. "I was standing in the bedroom talking on the phone when one of the bullets came into the bedroom," Dwight Bettner told the Ocala Star-Banner. "The other three bullets hit the side of the house."

Aside from Staudinger's feelings, no one else was hurt. And though the old lady might have overreacted, we think Bettner is the bigger moron for not kissing her. Why deprive an old woman of a tiny peck on her wrinkled lips? Hell, he could've asked her to close her eyes and raised a toilet bowl plunger to her lips; she wouldn't have known the difference -- she's 92.

Your Honor, He's Drunk

When Keith Gruber showed up to court for his DWI felony hearing, he carried an ice-cold can of Busch in his hand. According to NBC New York, the 49-year-old is being held without bail after showing up to court drunk. He was, however, nice enough to apologize to the judge for being more than an hour late. Unfortunately, the judge didn't accept his apology and threw him in the clink.

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