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Miami Social: Recapping a Show Where Nothing Actually Happened

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How does one recap a show where nothing happens? Such is the problem of writing about Miami Social. Sure, "things" happened. Body party moved. Mouth opened, tongues twisted, and words came out (half the time that word was Gansevoort). Things vaguely resembling emotions were emoted. And even though Bravo frequently invites us to "watch what happens," we're not sure anything did. Miami Social pretends to take us into the hottest VIP room, but instead it's about as exciting as waiting in an hour-long club line.

Though, this was the inaugural episode and much of the time was spent introducing us to the characters. And we've already introduced you to everyone yesterday (hint: read that first). Unfortunately, that's left us very little else to write about. But here are the things or non-things that may or may not have actually transpired on last night's Miami Social.

Hardy wore a suit. There is a stylized, intricate montage of Hardy putting on said suit. Then he wears that suit out to parties. This may or may not be all that Hardy ever does. Nice suit, though. This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

Maria wore a thong, talked about Botox and big dicks, and puts on sunscreen. Later, while lounging on a rooftop cabana chair she gets into a serious conversation with a fellow cast mate about how much they each like "sexy people." This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

Katrina announces her divorce from her high school sweetheart and business partner. Normally, this would qualify as "something interesting" that "happened," but amazingly it's not. It's almost like the decision was made long ago way before cameras started rolling, and the producers asked her to keep the announcement from the people that may or may not be her actual "friends" until their weekly meeting at the Gansevoort.

Michael, a 15-year-old girl trapped inside the body of a 36-year-old man, had a crush on his trainer because his trainer says things like "get into position," "spread your legs," and other things that may be considered flirtatious if, you know, they were said by anyone else besides a personal trainer. Alas, the trainer already has a boyfriend so Michael goes home and writes about it in friends-only LiveJournal before thumbing through the latest issues of Tiger Bop deciding which picture to paste up on his wall while listening to the new Jonas Brothers record. This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

Then there's Ariel, the fashion producer. He says things like, "I only want girls 5'9 or over" for his fashion show, which isn't too demanding considering the cut off height at most modeling agencies is 5'8. He describes that fashion show he's putting on (read: seven people standing on top of boxes wearing golf clothes at the Gansevoort) as edgy. He also doesn't like fat girls. We'd write more, but we're pretty sure we said all we needed to yesterday. This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

The real drama meat and potatoes of the show belongs to George and his crazy girlfriend Lina. See, Lina says she has to go to New York City for work, but whoops, ends up in St. Barts. Honest mistake. George is angry at this, but it's totally possible she actually told him St. Barts and he just didn't understand through her heavy accent.

Almost everything she says has to be subtitled on screen. At one point she accuses George of sleeping with all of Kendall. This somehow makes it onto the screen as "all of Camden." So for all we know she actually told him she was going to St. Barts all along. This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

Sorah walked her dog. This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

And that is all that happened on Miami Social.

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