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Miami Social: Cold War Kids

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Last night's Miami Social was all about children: the kind you want but can't have, the kind you find are accidentally going to pop out in nine months, the kind you send away to Switzerland, and the kind that are 30-something professionals who live in South Beach. 

The main drama again (sigh) takes place in the ongoing crazy love affair of Lina and George. At this point, we're convinced Lina is part of a group of remaining Soviet sympathizers in post-Cold War Russia on a secret mission to overthrow the United States. A large-scale plan where young, pretty girls are taken from their families, taught the arts of seduction and praying on the emotions of men, and then sent to the States to target mortgage brokers like George. These Soviet succubuses drive mortgage brokers so mad they end up doing a lot of crazy stuff -- such as approving a ton of insane, subprime mortgages -- that leaves the U.S. economy in ruins. Which really would explain a lot, wouldn't it? 

So Lina contacted her communist overlords and decided to get back with George, but she has a fun new habit: taking a kitchen knife to George's wardrobe. Slashing away at his collection of black motorcycle jackets with red racing stripes on the sleeves, and dark-wash jeans with white stitching. The kind that are probably bought at those weird stores on Lincoln Road with vaguely European-sounding names. In the end, she might have been doing George a favor.

Maria and Michael drop by to see Lina's upgrades to George's attire. Then something happens. Really not sure what, but Lina uses her tricky Soviet mastery of nonsensical drama and explodes in a fit of rage. 

Later, at the Gansevoort (naturally), George and Maria get into a fight about the situation, and George tells her she really has no idea what's going on between him and Lina. But Maria is from Russia too. Maybe she knows all too well what's going on. Maybe she was part of the same secret program as Lina. Once. Long ago. Maybe she snuck away from camp one afternoon and wandered into the cinema where they were showing an American movie. Maybe she saw a man onscreen, with a baritone voice that carried a certain amount of authority, talk about how this magical land of Switzerland had nothing but peace, brotherly love, democracy, and cuckoo clocks. Lots and lots of cuckoo clocks. 

Then, after years on praying on the emotions of poor, little American mortgage brokers, she found herself with child and decided to get out of the game. But she always knew she'd send her daughter to Switzerland, this magical land of peace and cuckoo clocks, to find the son of a simple cuckoo clock maker, and not let her go down the familiar path of terrorizing mortgage brokers like she did. So she checked in with her daughter on the top floor of Cafe Bustelo at the Gansevoort (OMG, I have been there dozens of times and had no idea they had seating upstairs. See, you can actually learn things watching this show!) via webcam. 

Ah, what else happened? 

Ariel is having a desk built. A big fucking desk. Literally, a big desk that he'll use only for fucking. The thing is bigger than my entire cubicle. Larger than my car in every dimension except, perhaps, height. It might honestly be even bigger than my bedroom. 

Of course, Ariel isn't going to use this desk. It exists for two purposes: fucking (whether it be men, women, or anything in between) and to make Donald Trump jealous. Because, apparently, Ariel and Trump have some sort of previously undisclosed personal rivalry over who can be the bigger asshole. 

Thankfully, Ariel's friends don't want him to win the race for bigger asshole, so Katrina and Hardy try to stage an asshole intervention at SushiSamba (maybe not the best place). Instead, Ariel talks about his family: his brother the investment banker, his sister the professional in-line skater, his cousin the elephant trainer, his great-step-aunt the WWE referee, his niece who works as a bearded lady at the freak show, his other sister the third-degree blackbelt, his nephew the amusement park portrait artist... I am making up only a few of these. See, everyone in Ariel's family is wildly successful, and damn it, Ariel is going to be the most successful of the bunch, and if he has to be a giant asshole to get there, so be it. 

Gee, what else happened? 

Katrina treats Bravo viewers to their daily dose of real-estate porn. She tries to work a deal between the two most stereotypical Miami men (a guy in white linen pants and a floral shirt with the top ten buttons undone, and some random guy who acts like he buys and sells everyone) over the most stereotypical Miami house (everything overdramatic and white, with a bay view). It doesn't work out. 

Later, she has a party at one of her listings. George shows up and gets drunk and then sad.

Michael writes a story about Nicky Hilton not getting married, and pontificates on the perfect lead-in sentence for a tabloid story... and really, maybe we need to change journalism tracks. 

Hardy and his girlfriend Cheerios work out. There's some more talk about children, but Hardy does not want to have children right now. He hangs out with enough of them as it is, thank you very much, and really cannot stand them (i.e., Ariel). 

Sorah and George go to a dinner, and the ex-husband asks his ex-wife how long her boyfriend goes down on her. Really classy stuff here. 

Then it's time for the dramatic conclusion. Oh wait, it isn't dramatic at all because Bravo aired a promo for the next episode during this episode that gave away the *shock* ending. 

Yeah. Ol' Lina is pregnant. Maybe. She hasn't told George yet. 

Will she terminate it? Will she keep it? Will she raise it as a communist spy? Or will she have a change of heart and send it off to that magical land of cuckoo clocks? 

We'll find out next time on the best show that airs right after NYC Prep.

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