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Miami Social: All Mediocre Things Must Come to an End

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Last night's season, if not series, finale of

Miami Social

left us with more questions than answers. Such as who was that other man Lina was talking to? Are Trixia and Hardy ever going to settle down? Does Ariel actually have a bit of decency?

Unfortunately, low ratings, no reunion planned, and the fact it was unceremoniously bumped from its regular time slot to accommodate some OCD real estate show (which caused us to miss the first 15 minutes) point to the fact that we might never know.

Thankfully, we've got the Internet to fill in some of the gaps!

So where to begin? Why not with Hardy Hill and Captiness Crunchia, err Trixia. Trixia just wants a baby in her belly and a ring on her finger, but Hardy just isn't sure if she's the one. Finally, after spending six years with her, he announces to his closest, closest friends (which is only two fellow cast members) they'll secretly marry. Katrina, the soon-to-be divorcee, points out if you've been with someone for six years and still don't know if she's the one, she probably isn't. But all seems to be good and well in the land of Hards and Trix. Or so it seems... (spoiler alert: It totally is not, IRL)

Maria, Maria, the "bisexual" sex pot who never really gets bisexual or does much of anything sexy during the whole show: Well, she goes out on a date. It doesn't go so well. But she decides she should date some more, now that her daughter is at Hogwarts. This was pretty much her entire character arch on the show.

Moving on to Michael, who continues to ruin the idea of vanity surgery for me by insisting on showing them on air. If you thought Lasik was gross, you probably lost your lunch watching his hair transplant. Holy shit, this is Bravo, not Discovery Health. I do not need to see such things! In any event, note to my hair: Never, ever fall out. 

Anyway, while Michael is hopped up on valium during the surgery, he decides to do some impromptu soul searching out loud. Why hasn't he ever been in love? Why didn't his so-called friends tell him he was so bald? Why didn't he look in a mirror before?

Katrina comes to pick him up, and nothing is sexier to her than a man who implants hair into scalps for a living, and she shamelessly flirts with the doc, because she is about to be officially single.

That's right. Her divorce papers came, and she has to sign them, ending the only relationship she's ever known, with her dear Ben. Ben, meanwhile, is dining on Lincoln Road at Balans with his brother and looking at asses. Lots and lots of asses. Asses, looking at asses!

Anyway, she must decided whether to sign. What will she do?

Ariel is up next. He's doing a casting for Andrew Christian, an underwear designer who had a run on Bravo's other recent ratings failure, The Fashion Show. Apparently underwear designers can be sort of perverts. Imagine. He keeps asking the male models to pull their underwear down to show a little crack. Creepy.

Out of nowhere, Ariel produces a brand-new trait: integrity! He will not have these models forced to expose crack, and he practically hyperventilates over the idea of the models going back to their agencies to tell them Ariel Stein only works with perverts. So he lays down the law. There will be no crack, and if it causes a crack in Ariel and Andrew's working relationship, so be it.

Finally, to the conclusion, or so it seems, of the horrible romance of George and Lina, the French and the Russian.

So, George's mom is in town. She looks like she could be your mom. She is a mom, and a sweet, caring one it seems. She met Lina once and things didn't got well. She is supposed to have dinner with George and Lina, but Lina doesn't show. She completely bails.

Mrs. French tells George: "I didn't produce a broken child," which is some serious Dr. Phil episode stuff.

George's response is to get drunk -- so very drunk. The kind of drunk where you wake up the next morning and you're still drunk. And George decides to get drunk some more before he shows up the next day at the group's contractually obligated get-together at Plunge.

He is so drunk he spits his drink in Hardy's face. He decides the best way to exit the situation with his dignity is to announce, "I gotta go pee-pee," and then leaves doing a little "I gotta go pee-pee" strut. Later he texts Sorah he's sorry for spitting on Hardy, and he has to deal with Lina.

Sorah later tells George she is serious about selling his condo and wants to cut ties. George meekly agrees.

When he confronts her, Lina refuses to say where she was. There is a giant fight, much like all the other giant fights they've had and George storms off. But wait, what is this? Lina gets a phone call from another man. She tells him she just got into a fight with one of her "friends," her "ex-boyfriend George." The man tells her he wants to see her, and she calls him "baby"! Who is this mystery man? Will we ever know? Probably not, though thankfully we know the current state of George and Lina's relationship.

I haven't spent much time evaluating Miami Social on a cinematic level, but one of the show's main problems has been editing. It's just not as funny, sharp, and tight as other Bravo shows. Well, finally, during the last montage, the editors get it together. It's clearly straight out of The Hills saccharine playbook, but it works.

Cue the melancholy soundtrack with mournful-sounding female singer. Get ready for the slow mo. Hold your seats for all the "introspective" cuts, because this show is coming in for a landing.

After, like, five shots of her fiddling with the pen with sad eyes, Katrina signs the divorce papers.

Ariel makes out with some dude, and then a lady.

Maria Skypes with her daughter.

Michael parties with the confidence of his new mane.

George wanders the street like either a broken-hearted sap, a complete drunk, or a homeless person. 

Sorah gets a text from George asking if she is available to talk, but she decides to have sex with her boyfriend, Dr. Gorgonzolo instead.

Hardy calls up a friend to confide he's not sure Trixia is the one.

At last, the show ends with a shot of George, wandering on some bridge, looking at the camera with his sad, drunk eyes.

Truly, this is art.

Anyway, on to our epilogue.

Hardy and Trixia broke up! And apparently Hardy is married to some other lady now! Holy shit! Her name is Pachi Lake and she looks like a reject from a VH1 dating show. We wish them happiness.

George and Lina are still... somehow... together. They showed up at the premiere together, and Lina has a very public Facebook profile.

See, this is why against all odds we could deal with a second season. Maybe. Or a reunion or something, because seriously, what the fuck is going on here?

But like so many things in the Bravoverse -- PC's sexuality, the identity of Big Poppa, what was it that happened off camera that made Carolyn so upset with Danielle during the reunion -- we will never know (unless you read blogs, in which case we're led to believe the answers are: gay, Lee Najjar, and she gave Dina's ex-husband the number for child services).

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