Miami Men Don't Measure Up in Penis Size Rankings

The flashy cars, the speedboats, the trendy clothes, the bling-bling. Yeah, maybe dudes in Miami are trying to compensate for something.

Online love glove store Condomania sells rubbers in 76 sizes that keep you covered no matter if you're packing a plantain or a beer can. The product has been on the market for six years, so the company decided to analyze its sales data and find out which cities were buying the larger sizes and which needed something a little smaller.

Out of the 20 metro areas analyzed, Miami came in 12th.

New Orleans takes the top prize, while Dallas/Fort Worth was found to be packing the least. Ladies and gay men, plan your next sex-cation accordingly. Gentlemen, well, never be too shy to use a locker room in Dallas.

The 50 states were also ranked, and Florida came in near the middle, at 24. New Hampshire has the most going on in its banana hammocks, while Wyoming, home to Dick Cheney, comes in at the bottom.

Among Condomania's other findings: 25 percent of the male population is under five inches in length, 50 percent are between five and six inches, and 25 percent are longer than six inches." Apparently, blue states have bigger tools than red states. It should be noted, however, that the company's sales data, as large as it may be, isn't necessarily scientifically representative.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kyle Munzenrieder