Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. Today, Luke offers what it will take for the Miami Hurricanes to beat Florida State.
On Saturday night the Florida State Seminoles football team and their fans are expecting to cap a fun-filled weekend in the Magic City by beating the Miami Hurricanes for a sixth straight time. They've got visions of popping bottles at swanky South Beach nightclubs, believing Seminoles quarterback Jameis Winston and his squad will quickly dispatch the Hurricanes on their march to a second national championship.
Even a 21-year-old porn star named Mia Khalifa rooting for Florida State had the nerve to chime in. She called Sun Life Stadium "Doak South," a snide dig that Seminoles fans are going to seriously outnumber Hurricanes fans that it is going to be a home game for the Tally bandwagon.
Miami fans, players and coaches have been putting up with this lack of respect since 2009, the last time the Hurricanes beat the Seminoles. And of course, Sun Life can never and will never replace the electric energy that emanated from the Orange Bowl, the U's original home field. But, we can still ruin the Seminoles weekend and their championship run.
For one night, as a departing gift now that she is retiring, University of Miami president Donna Shalala needs to let loose. It's time to show Florida States and their fans that they are just cheap imitations of the U. They want our legacy so Hurricanes players, coaches, the administration and the fans need to show the Seminoles they can't have it. The stadium music playlist should all be grimy, booty-shaking Miami rap hits by Trina, Trick Daddy, JT Money, Pitbull, and Iceberg. When the Canes take the field pump my song, "It's All About the U."
Fans should bring buckets of Publix crab legs and throw them on the field when the Seminoles come out. Let's remind Jameis Winston that shoplifting is for assholes. And we need to make Sun Life rock and roll like we traveled back to October 7, 2000, when the Hurricanes stopped the Seminoles from winning a fifth straight time against Miami.
As long as the coaches don't get conservative on offense and they play man-on-man coverage on defense, Miami has the players to match up against the Seminoles. That's why Vegas oddsmakers only have Florida State as two-and-a-half point favorites. The key will be getting the Hurricanes players who are from Miami to outperform the Seminoles players from Miami.
A big reason Florida State has owned the U in recent years was Devonta Freeman, a former Miami Central star who is now playing his first year in the NFL with the Atlanta Falcons. He was a Canes killer.
The Seminoles have two players from Miami who can hurt the Canes: Running back Dalvin Cook, who may not play due to injury, and Wide receiver Ermon Lane from Homestead. Hurricanes linebacker Denzel Perryman, defensive end Chad Thomas and safety Deon Bush, as well as every Miami native wearing orange and green need to punish Cook and Lane for going to Florida State, the wannabe U. Hurricanes running backs Duke Johnson and Joseph Yearby and wide receivers Phillip Dorsett and Artie Burns light up the Seminoles defense.
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It's all hands on deck.
Tune into Luke on The Andy Slater Show every Tuesday from 2 to 5 p.m. on Miami's Sports Animal, 940 AM.