Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 4: LeTurd

​Well, shit. The Miami Heat must really love blowing fourth-quarter leads, because the team did it again last night in Game 4 of the NBA Finals, allowing the Dallas Mavericks to win the game 86-83 and tying the finals.

Meanwhile, LeBron James had the worst performance of his playoff career. Dwyane Wade's 32 points went for naught, and things are now knotted up at 2-2 after the Heat blows yet another chance to put the Mavericks away. Let's say fuck a bunch in frustration!

While D-Wade continues his amazing feats of awesome, his teammates pretty much disappeared when he needed them most. Wade not only mashed skulls on the offensive side, but also he was a force on defense and on the boards. But while he was going around kicking Maverick ass, Bosh and James decided to light a bag of cat shit on fire instead of scoring some points, blowing a golden opportunity to not only take a 3-1 series lead but also shove it in Jason Terry's stupid towel-waving, let's-celebrate-every-fucking-basket face. That dipshit celebrates EVERYTHING.

- Last night marked the first time since January 5, 2007, that LeBron didn't score in double digits. That's roughly a stretch of 433 consecutive games. LET'S EVERYBODY POINT AT HIM AND CALL HIM A CHOKER!

- Are people really comparing Dirk Nowitzki to Michael Jordan because they both played in the finals with the flu? Oh, eat a bag of dicks, Planet Earth.

- A 21-9 run in the last ten minutes by the Mavs after the Heat had a nine-point lead. At some point, the Heat will have to have to stop it with this blowing-leads shit. Stop it already, assholes!

- LeBron was 3-for-11, went to the free-throw line only four times, and scored a total of eight points. LeBron took a giant shit on Wade's big night. No way around it.

- Chris Bosh on LeBron's dick-breath night: "He struggled. Point blank. Period."

- DeShawn Stevenson looks like he smells like Key West strippers and cigarettes.

- Joel Anthony grabbed eight rebounds in the first half, but one in the second. He can be a useless giant sometimes.

- According to Ellias, Nowitzki has outscored LeBron 44-9 in the fourth quarter of these finals. I think flaming piles of cock best describes one's feeling in reading that stat.

- At this point, we can pretty much assume James Jones was mauled by a cougar, right? Because why the fuck else would you keep your most prolific three-point shooter on the bench the whole goddamn series? The Heat was 2-for-1,564 from the three-point line last night. And you had a man with no working thumbs taking the final shot at the end of the game. WHAT THE SHIT, SPOELSTRA?

- Say what you will about the Heat's amazing ability to shit all over itself, but these Dallas Mavericks are resilient fucks. They. Just. Won't. DIE.

- If James scored, say, three more points, the Heat would be up 3-1 in the series. Instead, assballs. Miles and miles of ASSBALLS.

- Yet another stat to make you feel like you've been fucked by a hedge trimmer: The Heat defense held the Mavericks to 39 percent shooting and finally got a solid game from Chris Bosh and still lost.

- LeFart noise.

- There has to be another way for Miami to get around Dallas's zone defense than just the ol' "heave the ball at the basket from 30 feet away and pray to Baby Jesus that it goes in" play, yes?

- Six turnovers in the final 12 minutes with Bosh and James playing basketball the way old people fuck will lose ballgames.

- Yes, the media (and the haters) have been mostly right about LeBron James and his shrinkage during this series. But the dude is a kraken dick. A man proficient in the art of ripping people's balls off and feeding them to his pet liger. He did it to Boston. He did it to the Bulls. And we're all waiting for him to do it to Dallas (any day now, LBJ). Sometime in the stretch of seven games, LeBron James is going to have to break out and fuck shit up good and proper, as only the best basketball player on the planet can. That's not me talking. THAT'S SCIENCE!

- With a huge Game 5 on Thursday at Dallas, the series finally shifts back to Miami on Sunday, although it feels like we've been playing in Dallas since 1974. Jesus the 2-3-2 Finals format is fucking asinine.

I await Mavericks fans and Heat Haters telling me they hope I get hit by a car and then gang raped by a pack of grizzly bears in the comments. Go to it, fuckos. It's your day!

Game 5 is on Thursday at Dallas. Tip-off is 9 p.m.

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Chris Joseph