Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 3: MV3

Nothing screams "I Am A Righteous Ass Kicking Machine" quite like overcoming one of the NBA Finals worst collapses, an officiating crew that absolutely refused to call any fouls for you but insisted on blowing the whistle if you so much as breathed on the giant German, and having one of your teammates getting one of his eyes gouged out.

But that's exactly what Dwyane Wade did, with a steel-toe-boot-to-the-nutsack 29-point performance leading the Heat to the 88-86 Game 3 win over the Mavericks, giving Miami a 2-1 series lead.

There are two more games in Dallas, but thanks to this win, the Heat are at least guaranteed to come back to play at the Triple-A in Miami. Two more wins, and they'll be NBA champs. And all of America will implode. LET'S DO THIS, HEAT!

Here are your points from the game:

- Wade clubbed the Mavericks defense unconscious in the face with 19 first half points that helped the Heat go up by 14. This proved fortunate because the Mavericks -- particularly Dirk Nowitzki -- stormed back time and time again, just like they did in Game 2. Only this time, Heat fans weren't left with the feeling they got a stick of dynamite shoved up their butts and had their assholes stapled shut.

- A word to the wise: You don't want to tie D-Wade's team 1-1 in a best-of-seven series. Wade is now 6-0 in his career in Game 3s when a series is tied 1-1.

- What happens when Udonis Haslem defends Dirk? AWESOME FUCKING THINGS HAPPEN, THAT'S WHAT.

- It appeared as if it was going to be another shitty night for Chris Bosh. He started things out going 2-for-9 from the field, and then Jason Kidd went and shoved his entire hand into Bosh's eye socket. From there on out, Bosh had to play with basically one eye. But then he went and knocked down the eventual game-winning shot with 39 seconds left. ONE-EYED DINOSAUR ROAR!!!

- Hey, the Heat, can you guys stop blowing double-digit leads please?! 

- CBSSports' Gregg Doyel has made a living basically being a bald dickbrain who pushes the limits of reality and has no qualms about not using any kind of logic in any of his articles. And this year he's been particularly dickbrainy in his repeated attacks on LeBron James.

So naturally he now thinks LeBron has shrunk from the moment in these Finals, forgetting that it was LeBron that got the Heat to this point, and completely ignoring the fact that LeBron has been the catalyst for Miami's nards-obliterating defense, has stepped up as a master facilitator, and has basically been doing more than just scoring baskets to win ballgames. So, because the man has a penis for a brain, he went and asked LeBron why he's been "shrinking" during these Finals. LeBron then proceeded to verbally punch Doyel in the asshole for all America to see:

Ask LeBron a ludicrous question, expect to get kicked in the ovaries in front of millions.

- Jesus Dirk Nowitzki is playing out of his fucking mind. The Mavs shot 40 percent and turned the ball over 14 times last night, yet were a basket away from taking this puppy into overtime. The lesson here is basically to break off a tree branch and repeatedly smack that seven-foot German in the face with it. Someone send this idea to Erik Spoelstra!

- Jason Terry took exception with Dwyane Wade's Game 2 celebration after he made a three-pointer and had to be restrained from physically attacking Wade. Then Jason Terry celebrated everything in Game 3. Shots, free throws, fouls, time outs, an old guy being trampled in the first row, the hot dog vendor. He also yelled "This is our house!" at one point when the Mavs were down by six. Jason Terry also went 5-for-15 thanks in large part to Wade's defense. Jason Terry (and his good buddy Jason The Eye Mangler Kidd) has also had trouble keeping Wade from scoring. Nice tattoo, dipshit.

- Dallas must hate Dwyane Wade. Dude just constantly rips their hearts out from their chests and shoots it out of a T-shirt cannon in the Finals. They must hate him like they hate books that teach about science and shit.

- Finally, Lil Wade has a question for all the haters out there this morning:

Game 4 is on Tuesday at Dallas. Tip off is 9 p.m. LOAD UP ON RED BULLS AND COKE! Weeeeee!!!

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Chris Joseph