Sports

Marlins Win! Marlins Win! Holy Sh*t, Marlins Win!

​It was an unlikely win, but a win all the same. The Marlins stopped their 11-game losing streak last night with a 5-2 win over the Angels.

Javier Vazquez pitched a scoreless 5 1/3 innings, which is pretty awesome considering he entered last night's game with the worst ERA in the majors. Mike Stanton and Omar Infante had two RBIs a piece. And our new 80-year-old manager Jack "Lemon" McKeon got his first win. He's now 1/2, which, coincidentally, is the bookies' odds that he'll kick the bucket by the time you finish reading this blog.

If the Fish win tonight, it'll be the first time they've won two in a row since May freakin' 26. Here's an idea of just how long ago that was.


On May 26, when the Marlins swept the world-champion Giants:

  • Anthony Weiner's erect penis had yet to grace America's television and computer screens.
  • Michelle Bachmann was still just a glassy eyed, junior congresswoman with no foreign policy credentials and zero chance at winning the presidency. Now, on the other hand, she's... oh never mind.
  • The Miami Heat were heavily favored to win the NBA championship.
  • LeBron James was the clutchiest clutch guy to ever nail a clutch.
  • Dirk Nowitzki was a pussy. (Notice the use of the past tense. Nice ring, Dirk)
  • And Urban Beach Weekend was just a noisy, crowded, drunken event and not a nationally televised firestorm of racial anxiety and needless killing.

​And even though the praise surrounding McKeon is a bit premature -- it's one goddamn game, statistically, it was bound to happen -- here's hoping the Marlins keep winning and make us forget about all that other crap.

Especially Michelle Bachmann.

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Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.