Marlins President David Samson was the first contestant voted off of the latest season of CBS's Survivor last night in a moment so cosmically and comically perfect it really calls for more than just one snappy lead to this story. Here, let's try a few:
"Survivor contestants were able to deduce in just one episode what Miami politicians never could: Davis Samson is an inept weasel they want nothing to do with."
"David Samson's exit from Survivor was impressive for being even quicker than the Marlin's usual exit from playoff contention."
"Samson proved there's actually something he's worse at than being an MLB team president: a contestant on Survivor."
We've got more! Keep those rimshots coming:
"The nation breathed a sigh of relief last night when it learned that its exposure to David Samson's nipples would be mercifully brief."
"David Samson, already one of the most publicly hated sports executives in history, added a new feather to his paper crown: one of the worst contestants in Survivor history. There's really nothing this man can't be excruciatingly horrible at."
"David Samson had his longtime dream of being a contestant on Survivor crushed last night. In related news, we're all converting to Buddhism because Karma is undeniably real."
Thanks, we'll be here all week. Try whatever we're telling you to eat on Short Order.
Samson, who has wanted to try out for Survivor since its debut in 2000, took off in the middle of the Marlins season to film the long-running show. To make matters worse, he bragged about getting $350 million in taxpayer money to build a stadium "in a recession" as his claim to fame in his official bio instead of, you know, winning a World Series.
Samson's fate on the show was fitting.
This season, the show's cast members were split into three tribes: Brains, Brawn and Beauty. Samson was with the Brains tribe, because, well, have you seen him? He was quickly voted the team's initial captain, but quickly managed to screw it up. He got to chose another member of the team to send into temporary exile, so naturally he picked Garrett, the dude on his team with the biggest muscles.
The team then had to compete in a challenge that required some muscles by racing with a treasure cart through an obstacle course. Samson's team's performance was disastrous. Host Jeff Probst called it "one of the worst performances out of the gate ever."
Ultimately, when Garrett, the muscly team member Samson shunned, got to rejoin the group he began scheming against Samson ... and succeeded. Samson was eliminated by a 4-3 vote within the first hour of the show's two-hour premiere.
"David's going to go home and we're all going to feel better," Garrett said upon Samson's ouster. "He's very intelligent. I think he's a schemer."
We can only verify the later part of that appraisal as true.
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As it turns out, Garrett would then be voted off in the show's second hour. Which means Samson's ouster was orchestrated by the second-worst player on the show. Which is sort of like the Marlins being mathematically eliminated form the playoffs by the Astros.
Samson's next sideshow act will be playing Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels in a play about the late-night program at Miami's New Theatre at the end of next month. Because this is a man who never saw a challenge and didn't think to himself, "Wow, I could probably historically suck at that."
Mind you, the run of that show will concur with the start of the team's preseason schedule. And about those Marlins. As Samson dances around on stage, Yahoo! predicts that the 2014 Marlins "will contend for the worst team in baseball, and it seems that's just what ownership wants."