"Leaked": Charlie Crist's Gubernatorial Platform

With rumors swirling that Charlie Crist might run as a Democrat for governor in 2014, many are wondering how a former GOP politico can run as a liberal. Will Charlie simply say or do anything to get elected? Well, Riptide has exclusively obtained his gubernatorial platform, and let's just say it should put those questions to rest.

Take it away, Charlie.

Education: Many have been critical of FCAT testing, so I say, why not make FCAT testing fun for the kids? I know kids love the Internet. So why not "hip" up the FCAT by using today's Internet lingo? Yes, the FLOLCAT. Questions would include "If there are five cheezburgers, and Tommy can haz five cheezburgers, then how many cheezburgers are left over for Tina to haz?" True/false questions will be replaced by Win!/ Fail! questions.

Health care: Although I agree with many provisions of Obamacare, I will instruct my attorney general to fight for the repeal of certain controversial measures. Mainly, the tanning tax. Sometimes a guy just wants to have a year-round, all-over orange glow. Why should he be taxed for that?

Transportation: Unlike Rick Scott, I will ensure that Florida accepts any free trains it is offered. Seriously, if you've got a train to give away, just bring it on up to Tallahassee; we'll gladly take it. High-speed trains, low-speed trains, kiddie trains, old CDs by the band Train. As long as it's free, we'll figure out how to use it.

Diplomatic protocol: All Florida officials will be required by law to hug visiting officials, and no one can ever say anything bad about it or use it in campaign commercials, because — come on, guys — it was just a friendly hug. Get over it.

Other issues: I have an unwavering belief that ideas about gun control, drug policy, and prison reform exist. My stances on global warming, offshore drilling, and Everglades restoration are unquestionably stances. You can bet good money that when it comes to whether or not to expand gambling, I have thoughts on the matter.

Furthermore, I believe that gun owners have the right to vote, voters have the right to choose, women have the right to marry, and homosexuals have the right to own guns. The State of Florida has no right drug-testing those receiving benefits from friends. Teachers should be paid, preferably on Fridays. Doctors should be free to ask patients about gum ownership (that stuff can clog the intestines if swallowed, after all).

In conclusion, I ask Floridians to look inside of themselves and think about what they believe. Because as your governor, I promise I will do my best to make sure that you believe I believe it too.

Read the full "'Leaked': Charlie Crist's 2014 Gubernatorial Platform" at riptidemiami.com.

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Kyle Munzenrieder

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