"Leaked": Charlie Crist's 2014 Gubernatorial Platform

With rumors swirling that Charlie Crist might run for governor as a Democrat in 2014, many are wondering how a former conservative Republican can run as a Democrat. Others believe he's a political opportunist who will say and do anything to get elected. Well, Riptide has exclusively uncovered his new gubernatorial platform*, and let's just say it should put those questions to rest.

Take it away, Charlie.

Same-Sex Marriage
Gay marriage will be legalized in the South Florida metropolitan area, from Palm Beach County down into the Keys, as most other Floridians have a long history of not caring what the hell those people do down there anyway. Gay marriage will also be legalized in certain predefined areas known as "pink zones" in larger cities such as Tampa and Orlando, based on input from local leaders.

Now, I realize many Floridians may prefer to raise their children far, far away from the grave threat of gay marriage, and as your governor, I will respect that. So under the second Crist administration, all members of the GLBT community will be banned from entering the area of the Florida Panhandle west of Tallahassee. We've reached out to gay leaders to assure that this compromise is acceptable. They replied, "Honey, we wouldn't want to go there anyway." I hope this compromise makes Florida hospitable to both the LGBT and bigot communities.

Health Care
Although I agree with many provisions of "Obamacare," I will instruct my attorney general to fight for the repeal of certain controversial measures. Mainly, the tanning tax. Sometimes a guy just wants to have a year-round, all-over orange glow. Why should he be taxed for that?

Unlike Rick Scott, I will ensure that Florida accepts any free trains it is offered. Seriously, if you've got a train to give away, just bring it on up to Tallahassee; we'll gladly take it. High-speed trains, low-speed trains, kiddie trains, old CDs by the band Train. As long as it's free, we'll figure out how to use it.

Over the years, I have been described as both pro-life and pro-choice. Now let me be clear, I care deeply about the rights on the unborn. I am aware there are efforts underway to put a Personhood Amendment into the Constitution. I support such an amendment, and, as such, am pro a fetus's right to choice.

I will pass laws that require any doctor to inform a fetus of its rights and then ask the fetus whether it would like to be carried to term. If the fetus replies by kicking two times, we know it must truly have a desire to be born. If the fetus kicks only once, we know the unborn child really doesn't feel too strongly about the issue either way, and the decision will lie with the mother. Bu, if the fetus fails to kick or shows any other desire that it wants to be born, we must respect the rights of that fetus and abort it immediately, even in cases when the mother was not seeking an abortion. I believe this should satisfy both those who believe in a right to choice, and those who believe in the rights of the unborn.

Florida must protect its borders with Georgia and Alabama. If that means pulling over a few people in Bulldogs or Crimson Tide jerseys and making sure they're legally in Florida, so be it.

I know that my previous stances on taxation have rankled many in my new party, but I say, hey, let bygones be bygones. There's no use in going back and trying to fix things in the property and corporate income tax codes that might or might not favor the haves over the have-nots. Instead, I am proposing a bold new plan that will reimagine Florida's sales tax system in a way that takes some of the burden off of those struggling, and asks those who make more to pay a little more. Items that only poor people buy like, say, garbage bags without drawstrings, generic soap, anything purchased at a Ross, dollar store, or fast-food dollar menu, will be taxed at only 4 percent. Additionally, Florida will actually pay you 6 cents back for every dollar of ramen noodles you buy.

To make up the difference, various items purchased by the rich will be taxed at 8 percent. Items such as caviar, Italian cars, Hermès purses, and Lear jet fuel. An analysis by independent economists shows this will cause a person making less than $25,000 a year to pay on average 5.9 percent in sales tax. Those making more than $250,000 will pay on average 6.1 percent. For those in between, your taxes will remain the same.

Diplomatic Protocol
All Florida officials will be required by law to hug visiting officials, and no one can ever say anything bad about it or use it in campaign commercials, because -- come on, guys -- it was just a friendly hug. Get over it.

Many have been critical of FCAT testing, so I say, why not make FCAT testing fun for the kids? I know kids love the Internet. So why not "hip" up the FCAT by using today's Internet lingo? Yes, the FLOLCAT. Questions would include "If there are five cheezburgers, and Tommy can has three cheezburgers, then how many cheezburgers are left over for Tina to has?" True/false questions will be replaced by "Win!/Fail!" questions.

I also believe firmly that the ideal class size is precisely 26.5 students per teacher. To ensure this, selected gifted students will have their desks placed in doorways between two classrooms, where they will get the extra educational benefit of learning two lessons at once.

Other Issues
I have an unwavering belief that ideas about gun control, drug policy, and prison reform exist. My stances on global warming, offshore drilling, and Everglades restoration are unquestionably stances. You can bet good money that when it comes to whether or not to expand gambling, I have thoughts on the matter.

Furthermore, I believe that gun owners have the right to vote, heterosexuals have the right to adopt children, and students certainly have the right to not pray in school. The State of Florida has no right drug-testing those receiving benefits from friends. Teachers should be paid, preferably on Fridays. Doctors should be free to ask patients about gum ownership (that stuff can clog the intestines if swallowed, after all).

In conclusion, I ask all Floridians to look inside themselves and think about what they believe. Because as your governor, I promise I will do my best to make sure that you believe I believe it too.

*For those of you who are particularly dumb or love to file lawsuits: This was a parody.

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