It's Friday afternoon on a particularly slow news day, a time when Village Voice Media news bloggers tend to go a bit off the reservation. Our counterparts at LA Weekly just dashed off a post about how the City of Angels is "The Douche Capital of the World," while calling into question Miami's douche credentials. Are you challenging us to a douche-off? Because we will douche-bring it.
Writes LA Weekly:
It's a fair question: Is L.A. the nation's douche capital? After all (and despite what New York magazine thinks) bottle service started here after migrating from the Asian-American club scene. And, yeah, Vegas is way douchey, but think about it: Where do those spiky-haired, Christian Audigier fans come from? That's right, Angel City. Miami? Puleese. Those douches got nothing on our douches. At least they're fit, tan and speak proper Spanish.
Excuse me, Miami was recently ranked the fattest city in America in 2009
, and this is honestly the first time we've ever heard anyone claim Miami speaks proper Spanish. Tourists from Spain can understand locals about as well as tourists from Iowa. Tan? Well, yes. You jealous?
Let's talk about the holy grail of douche credentials: bottle service. L.A. may have imported bottle service into America, but Miami has taken the fun-killing nightlife concept to its douche pinnacle. Just read this account from Miami Beach 411
in which Cameo promised a local a "special deal" of a bottle of vodka for $300 and then renegged. Our bottle service culture is so douchey that douches from all across the world come here just to partake.
You know, and at least most douches in LA have some aspirations, even if they are slightly douchey aspirations. Every LA douche probably has a head shot or an unfinished screenplay or some douchspiration that led them to LA in the first place.
Miami douches have no such illusions about their goals in life. They moved here to just straight up douche out 24/7. Wake up a douche, go to bed a douche, live a douche, die a douche. If they have any aspirations at all, it usually involves things that only contribute to the sacred douche lifestyle like party promoting or DJing.
Let's not forget that Miami is now home to the biggest douche in America, LeBron James. And we are goddamned douche-proud of it! LeBron James is such a big douche, he makes Kobe look like an altar boy, and we wouldn't have it any other way, douche damn it.
Granted, LA has a bigger metro population and may have more gross douches, but we're willing to bet Miami excels in douche density and average douche-ness. Douche bless this city.