It's all but officially confirmed that season two of the immensely popular reality-TV train wreck Jersey Shore will be shot in South Beach, and we have no doubt that 90 percent of the time, Snooki, the Situation, JWow, and the five others no one cares about will be indulging in GTL, fist pumping, hooking up, and occasionally shouting "I'm in Miami, bitch" to augment an argument. As it should be, but they will be in new surroundings and need to take advantage of all that Miami has to offer.
So through the latest technology of Snooki-shopping (Photoshopping Snooki into images), Riptide presents ten suggested plot lines we'd really, really love to see on the South Beach season.
1. Close Encounters of the Chonga Kind
Sure, South Beach has its own healthy supply of guidos, but like the cast, most of them have been imported from Long Island and New Jersey. But we're also home to the distant cousin of the guidette -- the chonga. Because the show is basically a culture experiment already, we need to know what would happen when you place a guido and a chonga in the same room. For pure cultural anthropology reasons. Would they fight? Hook up? Or would it be like that scene fromI Love Lucy
with Harpo Marx?
Warning before you proceed: A few of these images are slightly NSFW. Any explicit nastiness has been obscured (we'll give you one guess as to with what), but be prepared to scroll fast if your boss walks by.
2. The World Is Yours
"We're, like, Scarface poster famous!" Indeed you are, young Jerseyites. Nothing can stop you now! Except for a nasty cocaine habit and insane levels of paranoia. The only thing more exciting than watching the cast's rise to tabloid ubiquity is watching their glorious fall.
3. Fist Pumping Is Considered Performance Art
As Jack Donaghy once asked, "Why does anyone go to Miami? Ass... and the burgeoning art scene." We know they'll have the first one covered, but why not the other? (Our apologies to the TM Sisters for desecrating their art.)
4. Visit the Everglades
It's where all the deadly invasive species go, so they'd fit right in.
5. Take a Ride on the Bang Bus
If this was actual reality, as in eight guidos winding up in Miami, it's pretty certain one of them would end up doing Internet porn. It's a law of math. Honestly.
Chances someone will do porn = [Need for attention + (bust size * insecurity) * (credit card debt/$1000)]/Morals
The same equation works for men; just substitute bust size with "length in inches" or "willingness to do gay stuff." Yeah, yeah the cast is way too famous to do porn now (well, at least for Bang Bus-level pay), but are they above making a nonsex cameo? We hope not.
6. Go to Jail!
Nothing like a trip to Miami-Dade County jail to crank up the drama/hilarity. It worked for the Golden Girls, and it's just about the only thing from that show that could actually work on Jersey Shore.
7. Guest Star on a Telenovela
Yeah, the cast has America's guilty-pleasure TV habit on lockdown. Time to go international! Luckily, they'll be in the Latin American capital of the world, and that population prefers telenovelas as its main source of mind-numbingly stupid televesion. No, the guidos don't speak Spanish, but they barely speak English. Besides, they've already got the telenovela look: guys with abs and ladies with big hair and bad makeup.
8. Diversify Your Party Portfolio
We don't know much about the Jersey Shore nightlife scene, but we've got a feeling all the clubs are variations on a guido theme. There are probably more clubs down here where they'd fit right in than we'd like to admit, but it's time the cast leaves the comfort area. We've got salsa clubs. We've got gay clubs. We've got high-class clubs. We've got hipster clubs. Yes, we'd love to see the cast fist pumping to "North American Scum" at the Electric Pickle.
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9. Protest Castro
You're not a real Miamian until you protest Castro. The cast is more than loud enough to fit right in here. (Um, just don't confuse the Cuban flag with the Puerto Rican flag.)
10. Visit Our Strip Clubs
How are they going to pass out a place called Club Rolexxx or King of Diamonds?