Jersey Shore Damage Report: Fight Night

Let's get to ready to ruuuuuuuuuuuumble! Yes, last night was fight night on South Beach for the Jersey Shore crew. We saw the thrilling conclusion to Sammi vs. JWoww, an undercard featuring of Vinny vs. Ronni, Snooki vs. Latino dating rituals, Paul vs. herpes, Fossil watches vs. smooshing, the entire cast vs. dinner plates, and the exciting main event, the thrilling battle of the Staten Island dump featuring Vinny vs. Angelina.

Last week's episode ended with the barring of claws between Jenny and Sammi, but, oh Guido god, that was just the beginning. Jenny, apparently the reigning champ of "punching the shit out of a bitch," continued her assault on generally gentle Sammi "The Sweatheart." It was kind of hard to actually declare a winner as it was hard to see what was going on. You know how in cartoons when there's fights the whole thing kind of turns into a giant dust cloud that consumes everything in its path?

Yeah, like that, but the cloud was a strange burnt orange color, and smelt like cheap perfume and vodka and Red Bull burps. It pretty much rolled its way through the entire house swallowing up various castmates and home decor in its path while spitting out the occasional acrylic fingernail, hoop earring, and hair extension.

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Ronnie described the thing as like "firecrackers in a dumpster," which, oddly enough, is exactly the log line producers used to sell the show to MTV.

At one point Vinny and Ronnie almost start a rival cartoonish dust ball of a fight, with Ronnie telling Vinny he started it all. Actually, Ronnie, if you didn't act like a giant douche bag from day one none of this would have ever happened. But Ronnie is not a man of reflection and logic. At least Ronnie and Vinny apologized to each other later. The same couldn't be said for the girls.

Apparently Sammi is convinced she took the win, saying, "This is probably the best accomplishment I've had in a long time." (Which is really fucking sad, when you think about it. Could you imagine looking back on the past few years of your life and picking out a bizarre reality TV cat fight as your best accomplishment? Sigh.) The general consensus among the cast is that Sammi at least deserves credit for holding her on, which, fine, we'll give her, but you know, when it comes to violence, no one ever really wins -- except the audience laughing at home, naturally.

Sammi may have won the fight, but she's losing the battle of dignity. Even after, as the Situation puts it, she was "pissed on" all over by Ronni, the clueless girl still goes back to him. She'll believe anything apparently, even that Ronni is a good guy.

"Just like when you're little and you wanna believe Santa Claus is alive. Fucking Santa Claus is dead," says Mike. Which, uh? What? Santa Claus is dead? Well, according to the Guido bible he died for our sins. RIP Santa Claus.

You know who else isn't winning anything this season? Pauly D. Dude might as well not even be in the house, because he hasn't had a major story line as yet. I mean, his biggest shinning moment all season was tonight's close encounter with a girl with lip herpes on the beach, which was mildly entertaining, but Pauly D really needs to step the drama up. When Vinny is being a more interesting character than you, you know you've got a problem.

Lucky for Snooki being interesting isn't a problem. Let's put it this way, "Snooki doesn't always drink beer, but when she does, she drinks Dos Equis." She is simply the most interesting woman in the world.

When you are so exquisitely, captivatingly interesting yourself you don't have to be interested in much else. Yes, Snooki is quite interested in "getting it in," campaigning to have "Tan" recognized as an actual ethnicity, she is not interested in the dating rituals of Latinos it seems.

Anyone who holds a PhD in advance Snookiology, like I do, knows that despite being adopted and raised in the proud Guido culture, she is actually, by blood, Chilean. Oh, Snooki, isn't it time to embrace the Latina blood that pumps through your veins? To explore your cultural heritage? There is no better place in America than to do that in Miami.

But Snooki isn't having that. Yes, she's interested in getting something a little bit more Hispanic in her (mostly via cock), but she is not open to embracing the culture. She hooks up with some random Latino (we forget his name, which is fine, because Snooki forgot his name too).

When the dude tries to get her "dancing like Spanish people," she replies, "I'm a guidette, I don't do this."

When he calls her mami (the captions spelled it as "mommy," but everyone knows those are two somewhat distinct terms), she absolutely freaks out, claiming there's no bigger turnoff. Which, Ok, the first few dozens time I've been called papi it kind of creeped me out, but you get used to it. But she does finally consent to letting her new Latino heartthrob "get it in."

After a moaning dry run that kept JWoww up all night, a hilarious trashbag-clad disinfection of the community smoosh room, and a healthy application of lotion to the butt, she lets whatever-his-name-is get a piece of that fine, fine Snooki tail, thus ensuring that he will forever be known in Miami as the guy who fucked Snooki.

At least he got some. You know who's not getting any? Angelina's suitor, Jose. The guy shows up to the gelato shop in a full suit and presents Angelina with a Fossil watch.

"He shows up in a suit. Fossil watch. $39.99, $49.99, the man should be smooshed," declares The Situation.

But there is no Angelina smooshing to be had for Jose. Not even after the presentation of the Fossil watch. (I bet the marketing team at Fossil was absolutely ecstatic over last night's episode, by the way.)

Vinny, for his part, is not giving Angelina any Fossil watch. He is giving her nicknames like "The Staten Island Dump" and "The Rob Kardashian of Staten Island" though, and the two bicker all episode long.

But sometimes people just bicker with each other, because deep, deep down they totally wanna smoosh. So, of course, when the crew is heading back from a night at MI-VI, Vinny and Angie start regurgitating things in each other mouth and wind up in bed. Man, Vinny, first Snooki and then Angie? Dude must be desperate. Then again that's quite a deal. He didn't even have to shell out for a Fossil watch for either of them.

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