International News

Hey, Iceland: Prepare for an Onslaught of Miamians

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3. Quickly raise your cocktail prices even higher.

Miamians will legitimately pay any amount of money for a cocktail. Our megaclubs have trained us to assume that handing a bartender a briefcase filled with $300,000 in sequential, unmarked bills is normal procedure when ordering a whiskey and ginger ale.

Icelanders seem like a fair, equitable bunch, and ignoring the fact that your prime minister just resigned after getting implicated in the Panama Papers scandal, you don't seem like the type to lie about something silly like drink prices. But even though Iceland's booze is notoriously expensive, Miamians are the one group that won't bat an eye thanks to our regular experiences in South Beach. If you were to tell us all beer in Iceland costs $1,944 to commemorate the year your country seceded from Denmark, we'd believe you. And then buy a second drink for our dates.

4. Don't let us dump toxic waste into your pristine, glacial water supply.

This actually pertains to just Florida Gov. Rick Scott. In fact, don't let him go anywhere near you guys at all.
5. We can all at least vibe over coffee.

One thing we do have in common, though, is a five-alarm caffeine addiction. You guys apparently love coffee so much you drink it before your meals just to get pumped to talk during dinner. (And then drink more coffee afterward.)

Down here, our co-workers walk around handing out shots of Cuban coffee, which provides the average-sized human being enough caffeine to read Leo Tolstoy's entire canon in just under an hour.

Come April, Reykjavik will be loud, caffeinated, and filled with tons of languages, and the world will be better for it.
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Jerry Iannelli is a former staff writer for Miami New Times from 2015 to March 2020. He graduated with honors from Temple University. He then earned a master's degree in journalism from Columbia University.