International News

Hey, Iceland: Prepare for an Onslaught of Miamians

There may not be two groups of people more diametrically opposed to each other than the residents of Reykjavik, Iceland; and Miami, Florida. The former group lives a socially responsible existence in one of the cleanest, greenest, and least crime-ridden areas of the world. The other mainlines cocaine every weekend on a sun-baked slab of glitter-infused concrete.

But thanks to the fact that the Icelandic airline WOW Air will offer $99 one-way flights between the two cities in April 2017, it appears Floridians and Icelanders will soon be hanging out in very close proximity to one another.

Judging by the fact that some of WOW Air's flights have already sold out, it's pretty clear Reykjavik is set for a deluge of Miami-based tourists come spring. (A fact that might frighten even more Icelandic folks: Though only 300,000 people live in the entirety of Iceland, more than 2.5 million live in Miami-Dade County alone. We're coming.)

We're good, fun-loving people who will soon pour cash money into your tourism industry. But full disclosure: We can also be a difficult bunch to deal with. In fact, Miami's own government barely knows how to handle our face-tattooing, nightclubbing ways.

Through the years, New Times has learned a thing or two about how to deal with Miamians, so allow us to dish out some wisdom to help you all prepare. Listen up, Reykjavik:
1. We will run you over.

From what we read online, you Icelanders seem like a mild-mannered, quiet bunch. You even let the band Sigur Rós march through the streets of Reykjavik playing ambient dream-rock in 2007. We aren't sure if Sigur Rós still repeatedly marches through town, but come April, you should try to keep all of the band's members indoors and off the roads, because we will not hesitate to run them over.

Driving in Miami is a dystopian, lawless nightmare, and Floridians are consistently ranked among the worst drivers in America. (Often, we're called the straight-up worst.)

So be sure to use some of that well-funded public infrastructure money to repaint every highway lane and road sign you can. Not because we'll actually follow the rules — you'll just be able to arrest us easier after we cross four lanes of traffic without a turn signal to get to a lefthand exit.
2. Someone will try to bring a python along, intentionally or not.

naturally Florida visitors often marvel at the intense biodiversity in our native Everglades. In fact, the Everglades is the only area on Earth where both alligators and crocodiles coexist naturally. But a lot of the "biodiversity" you see is fake: The area's new apex predator, the Burmese python, does not actually have any business living here and populates the Everglades only because some idiot released an exotic pet into the wild decades ago. Now we can't get rid of the damn things, even after scheduling two massive, statewide hunts in 2013 and 2016.

Judging from the fact that pythons keep popping up all over the place unannounced, it's well within reason that someone, somewhere will try to get a python past the security line at Miami International Airport. And though there is a committed staff of drug-sniffing dogs at MIA, there is not, however, a team of police-trained tactical mongooses ready to strike. Double-, triple-, and quadruple-check the items coming through customs.
3. Quickly raise your cocktail prices even higher.

Miamians will legitimately pay any amount of money for a cocktail. Our megaclubs have trained us to assume that handing a bartender a briefcase filled with $300,000 in sequential, unmarked bills is normal procedure when ordering a whiskey and ginger ale.

Icelanders seem like a fair, equitable bunch, and ignoring the fact that your prime minister just resigned after getting implicated in the Panama Papers scandal, you don't seem like the type to lie about something silly like drink prices. But even though Iceland's booze is notoriously expensive, Miamians are the one group that won't bat an eye thanks to our regular experiences in South Beach. If you were to tell us all beer in Iceland costs $1,944 to commemorate the year your country seceded from Denmark, we'd believe you. And then buy a second drink for our dates.

4. Don't let us dump toxic waste into your pristine, glacial water supply.

This actually pertains to just Florida Gov. Rick Scott. In fact, don't let him go anywhere near you guys at all.
5. We can all at least vibe over coffee.

One thing we do have in common, though, is a five-alarm caffeine addiction. You guys apparently love coffee so much you drink it before your meals just to get pumped to talk during dinner. (And then drink more coffee afterward.)

Down here, our co-workers walk around handing out shots of Cuban coffee, which provides the average-sized human being enough caffeine to read Leo Tolstoy's entire canon in just under an hour.

Come April, Reykjavik will be loud, caffeinated, and filled with tons of languages, and the world will be better for it.
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Jerry Iannelli is a former staff writer for Miami New Times from 2015 to March 2020. He graduated with honors from Temple University. He then earned a master's degree in journalism from Columbia University.