Herman Cain Heading To Versailles This Week To Pretend He Cares About Cuban Issues

​A candidate making a pit stop for cafecitos at Versailles isn't exactly hot news, even for a guy improbably still leading the GOP after a month fending off more sexual harassment accusations than Gene Simmons' tongue. The Cuban landmark is such a de facto stopover for White House wannabes, the regular viejitos barely batted an eye when the Michelle Bachmann crazy train pulled in a couple months back.

But it caught our eye when Herman Cain announced this morning his plans to visit Versailles on Wednesday because he's made such a point of being willfully ignorant of foreign policy. Frankly, we're a little worried for him. Pssst, Herman: Castro is the bad guy.

In case you missed the gist of that segment, Cain doesn't much care who the president of "Uz-beki-beki-decki-stan-stan" or any other stupid foreign places because "knowing who is the head of some of these small, insignificant states around the world ... (isn't) critical."

For Cain's sake, let's hope he spends the five minutes to bone up on Cuban history before landing at Versailles.

He may still be leading Florida, according to a poll last week, but nothing flubs a Republican's hopes in the Sunshine State quicker than pissing off the Cuban establishment in the Cuban establishment in Little Havana.

As a service from Riptide, here's a quick guide for the Cain campaign to study before the "gotcha questions" start flowing:

Fidel Castro: No es bueno! He's the really, really old one with the beard. Not technically in charge anymore, but, if you're asked, just whisper: el debe morir ...

Raul Castro: Not as bad as the bearded one, but still: No good! You definitely do not like him.

Starlin Castro: Chicago Cubs' hot young shortstop prospect. Speedy, with a little bit of power -- but a little unfocused out there in the field.

Hugo Chavez: The head of a whole different foreign country, called Venezuela. Note: Not technically part of Cuba. But you also don't like Chavez. Very, very bad man!

Elian Gonzalez: Elian doesn't run any countries except City of Miami elections by proxy. Just repeat after us if he comes up: Janet Reno es un coño!

Che Guevara: He's the guy with the hipster beard on the shirts all the dirty hippies are wearing at Occupy protests. Yeah -- he hates Wall Street. Have at 'em, Cain!

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Tim Elfrink is a former investigative reporter and managing editor for Miami New Times. He has won the George Polk Award and was a finalist for the Goldsmith Prize for Investigative Reporting.
Contact: Tim Elfrink