Don't believe the polls or media pundits who claim the presidential race is too close to call. Men across America, especially white dudes who are all in for Donald Trump, need to prepare themselves for a Hillary Clinton presidency. Fifty-five years after the Women’s Liberation Movement began, males in America will have their reckoning for keeping females down.
If you thought getting laid was already difficult, try to get some from your wife or girlfriend after inauguration day. And Clinton has some special surprises for the men who tried to beat her down.
Here’s what we can expect during her first 100 days in the Oval Office:
1. Domestic violence and unwanted sexual advances against women will become federal offenses that will be punished with life in prison. The first dudes who will get prosecuted are Breitbart News Network chairman and Trump campaign chief Stephen Bannon for choking his ex-wife 20 years ago and former Fox News czar Roger Ailes for sexually harassing two dozen female Fox employees.
2. FBI director James Comey almost derailed Clinton’s victory when he notified Congress the agency’s investigation into Hillary’s email scandal wasn’t over. Even though he called the probe off two days before the election, expect Comey to get reassigned to the bureau’s office in South Dakota.
3. She will also make sure that all women, including strippers and hookers, receive equal pay and workplace rights. Female sex workers will get overtime for working more than 40 hours a week, plus health-care and pension benefits. But they won't have to pay taxes to their pimps or the government. That means the price for booty will go up 100 percent.
4. Clinton will foil Trump’s plans to start his own conservative news network when she sics the IRS on him for tax evasion. America’s first female president will also deport Melania Trump to Slovenia.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.