Gather Around Your Morons of the Week

It's once again that time of the week-- when a bearded, wild-eyed Riptide climbs down from that mountaintop hoisting stone tablets bearing the names of the last seven day's most elite numbskulls. Without further ado, your morons of the week:

5. The city of Haikou

It's being called the "Miami of China" because of its "mind-blowing" housing bubble, which is shown in the graph below. Um, guys... did you see not how well that worked out for us?

4. Drunk-Bentley-driving Miami Heat Dorell Wright

Dorell, you unoriginal schlub, several members of the Committee argued that we shouldn't even give you an award. But according to rule 103.7(c) and 105.4(d)(2) of this column's bylaws, respectively, "Any fool who treats a $400,000 car like he's 16 again and it's his mom's Pinto" and "Any professional athlete/corporate artist who works three hours a day but can't find time to appear in front of a traffic judge" is mandated to receive this recognition, so we really have no choice.

Come on up and collect your Britto kitty-cat signed by Donte Stallworth.

3. Fraudulent Forensic Accountant Lewis Freeman

It was the perfect crime. This forensic accountant embezzled $6 million from clients in exactly the same fashion of the crooks he was trained to expose. He knew the tell-tale mistakes that expose such a fraud, so he knew how to avoid them making them. He was a numbers ninja, a white-collar Keyser Soze, a fatter, less-ambitious Bernie Madoff-- but then he got caught.

You know Lewis, Shawshank Redemption would have been a very different movie if Tom Robbins had drowned on inmate shit in that sewage pipe. There's a fine line between genius and moron, and you just jumped the border.

2. Everybody running for office in West Miami

What the hell is going on out there in WeLiveByTheAirportland? We got lady-lovin' shoe salesman Cesar Carasa acting like a bootleg Michelle Spence-Jones, running for his old office after being suspended by Gov. Charlie Crist for making $70,000 worth of phone calls on a city account. Then we got Commission candidate Jose Triana dropping out of his race because he doesn't live in West Miami-- and didn't even lie about it, which is baffling. The only sensible thing to do would be to make West Miami a monarchy and give the crown to whoever wins a Blue Lagoon jet ski race.

1. Avocado farmers and scientists who doubt the wrath of the redbay ambrosia beetle.

From the Herald:

This month, there's no mistaking it: One redbay ambrosia beetle was found in a trap in west-central Miami-Dade County on March 2.

But scientists say a single beetle shouldn't scare Miami-Dade growers -- whose trees cover nearly 7,000 acres of South Florida -- just yet.

"It's not cause for panic, thank God," said Jonathan Crane, a tropical-fruit plant specialist with the University of Florida's Institute of Food and Agriculture Sciences in Homestead.

Are you out of your mind, doctor?! You think that trapped redbay ambrosia beetle doesn't have relatives and homeboys who are at this moment plotting jihad on our "green gold" industry? We have only one option: We must destroy Florida's avocado crops ourselves so the beetles won't have the satisfaction. The good news: guacamole party!

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Gus Garcia-Roberts