Forget Renovating Sun Life Stadium; Here's What We Should Really Buy for $200 Million

Stephen Ross wants your money. The billionaire Miami Dolphins owner might tell you otherwise, arguing that the $200 million he supposedly needs to renovate Sun Life Stadium will come from raising taxes on tourists. But don't be fooled. The next time you and your wife want some sexy time at a local hotel, Ross will be screwing you too.

Besides, that $200 million could be put to better use than on a Hail Mary to get another Super Bowl. If Ross gets his way, the only guarantee is that he will get to pimp out his personal sports palace while the team keeps underperforming. So here are three other ways we can better spend the money, from fixing infrastructure to shutting up a basketball blowhard:

Avoiding collapse
While the Sun Life Stadium renovation is a bridge to nowhere, Miami-Dade's real bridges are falling apart. Engineers recently found that hundreds of county bridges were "structurally deficient." They temporarily shut down Bear Cut Bridge between Miami and Key Biscayne because its steel beams were so corroded. It will cost $25 million to fix. Altogether, bridge repairs could cost the county more than $400 million. But hey, Sun Life could use a new coat of paint.

Silence Lil Stupid
One reason Ross wants the cash is to construct a partial roof to shield stadiumgoers. But if we're going to be putting a lid on something, it really should be Lil Wayne. The rapper was thrown out of a recent Miami Heat game for allegedly hinting he had some heat of his own tucked into his belt. "F#€k da Heat," he tweeted before insulting LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh at an All-Star Game party. With $200 million, however, we could upgrade Lil Wayne's already gnarly grill to include an emergency lock function. That way, the next time he starts insulting someone, we can literally shut him up.

Renovate Rubio
Marco Rubio gave an impassioned, if parched, rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union speech earlier this month. Florida's junior senator may have been reaching -- for facts as well as water -- but one thing was clear: Rubio ain't going away. His Friar Tuck haircut, however, has to go. In fact, the presumptive 2016 GOP headliner needs a presidential makeover, and $200 million might just cut it. How about a suit made of bald eagle feathers? A gold-plated Hummer to protect him and his campaign manager, Rick Ross? The "working class" warrior might just have enough left over to buy himself a house in D.C.

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Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.