Hello, Adam Gase, and welcome to South Florida. This is surely a chaotic time for you. You're probably trying to figure out where you'll live, where the kids will go to school, and what the hell is Publix.
With all of that going on, you probably don't have a whole lot of time to get to know the fans. So we here at New Times would like to introduce you to Miami Dolphins true believers by hosting a little speed-dating round. We'll let you know a little about us, and maybe someday you can write us back to let us know a little about yourself.
Dolphins fans are thirsty for an explosive, vertical, non-NyQuil-like offense.
Please help us. Please, Adam Gase, will you help us? If we see another Jarvis Landry bubble-screen play on third and nine, we might hurt ourselves. The above play to Dante Parker was a unicorn that ran across the football field last season. It was like watching Sasquatch mate with the Loch Ness Monster on Mars. It was like an out-of-body experience where we floated above and watched ourselves having great sex. When Ryan Tannehill threw this ball in the air, it felt illegal. When DeVante Parker came down with it for a touchdown, our first reaction was to look for an illegal hands-to-the-face flag. What we're trying to say is we will kiss you on the mouth if the offense even attempts the above sort of play more often in 2016.
If one more hashtag or slogan is stuffed down our throats, we might vomit actual boredom.
You need to know the history here: Most Fins fans are Canes fans, and that team just got done spending an entire season calling its defense the #WEFENSE. You get it now? No more #StrongerTogether. You can tell Stephen Ross he has officially cleared the rough Bullygate waters and he can give it up now. You seem to be the sort of bro who can motivate a team without yelling, "Keep chopping wood, boys!" Tell the Miami Dolphins to go ahead and cancel the break dancers and to call off the still-unwritten #StrongerTogether freestyle rap. We're good. We promise.
Not all Dolphins fans are sold on Ryan Tannehill, but even his detractors feel like they don't know exactly who he is.
Dolphins fans are split right down the middle on Ryan Tannehill. Some of us make endless excuses for his mediocre play, while others refuse to admit he's been the best Dolphins quarterback since Dan Marino. Everyone involved is a little right, thus here we sit five years into Ryan Tannehill and we still aren't sure if he's the quarterback of the now, much less the future. From what we've heard and seen from your resumé, if anyone can utilize Tannehill in a way that will get the most out of his abilities, it's you. Just know everyone before you who has tried to make him overcome obstacles is now an ex-Dolphins employee.
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We hate everything. Literally everything.
Many of us already hate you, and we don't even know you. We are so jaded and so mentally fragile that we just assume anything and everything will hurt us. We are basically a group of dogs rescued from an abusive owner. Just know we will assume the worst but hope for the best — that's who we are. None of this will be your fault. We are seeking therapy. Miami Dolphins fans are a emotionally fragile bunch, but we have a good sense of humor about it. We laugh through the tears.
Even though we are some of the most negative fans in the NFL, we are also some of the most loyal.
You might find it hard to believe after reading the previous paragraph, but Miami Dolphins fans are extremely loyal. Think about it. It's been more than 40 years since the team has given us a title, yet every stinkin' year this team fools us into thinking this is the year they can win it all. We come out to games as consistently as almost every fan base in the NFL. We fly flags on our cars when the team wins, and we curse the team's Twitter account when they lose. It's the passion for this sport that makes us do it.