Fire Joe Philbin and Make Dan Marino Head Coach of the Dolphins

Update: After another embarrassing loss to the New York Jets in London, Joe Philbin was fired as head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

The season is only three games old, but the Miami Dolphins are already a bigger disaster than Roland Emmerich's Stonewall. Rumors that Joe Philbin is about to get canned and this roster blown up aren't all that far-fetched. 

So bear with us here: If Stephen Ross fired Philbin midyear, an obvious, brilliant candidate in South Florida would be ready to take the job. Yes, Dan Marino should coach the rest of this Dolphins season.

What the hell do any of us have to lose at this point? It's only a matter of time until Philbin cleans out his office, so why not have a little fun with the rest of 2015? Marino is Football Jesus. You really think he couldn't do a better job than this boob Philbin? 

If Ross wanted to inject some give-a-shit into this fan base during another losing season, Marino would be the answer. 

To be clear, this is an in-case-of-emergency-break-glass type of move that would require big brass balls on Ross' part. But is it that crazy? Yes. Yes, it is. And it'll probably never happen because the Dolphins are no fun and only want you to suffer through the next 13-10 loss. It may be crazy, but there's a good case to make for why Marino should serve as the Dolphins head coach when the team returns from another crushing loss in London.

There are no competent interim head-coaching candidates on this Dolphins staff.
Everyone is in the hot seat, and nobody deserves a promotion. That phrase should replace #StrongerTogether as the Fins' motto next season. The only thing offensive coordinator Bill Lazor brought with him from Philadelphia is his awesome name. There is no uptempo style of attack that fans were promised when he came from the Eagles, and there is no Chip Kelly-style offense. Hell, Chip Kelly doesn't have a Chip Kelly offense anymore. We were all lied to. 

Defensive coordinator Kevin Coyle, meanwhile, is a dead man walking, and his players hate his strategy — so big nope there! Beyond that, you are talking about a bunch of guys who have no business running an NFL team. I heard that one of the assistants coached Maryland in the '80s or something — whoopty-frickin'-doo! 

Marino would at the very least command a room and demand respect. The same can't be said of special-teams guru Darren Rizzi. 

Basically, no one in that building deserves to be head coach, so Marino wins. 

Miami Dolphins fans are dead inside, and only the image of Dan Marino brings them joy.
Marino is a saint, and he should be treated as such. The fact that you're reading this right now and doubting that he would be capable of playing head coach is actually quite insulting, really. It would be for only a few games. Prop him up with a stick for all we care. It's been a decade and change since Marino last took a snap, and, look at us, the friggin' Buffalo Bills are still kicking our ass like it's 1994. Fans are sick and tired of watching the Bills kick our ass, but you know who is more sick of it? Dan Marino, that's who. 

Dan Marino coaching up Ryan Tannehill until January can only help the QB.
Remember what happened when Marino started coaching up Tannehill? No? Well, here you go. 

“Dan has been great,” Tannehill said during his weekly news conference at the time. “He’s been around a lot as of recent. Watched tape with him. He’s been in the QB room. He’s a great resource to have around, just his knowledge of the game [and] obviously the success that he had during his career.” 

Tannehill added, “He’s always just pointing out little things on tape, whether it’s a receiver’s routes or something I’m doing. He’s good at picking up little things and passing them along.” 

You could expect that situation times 50 if Marino put on a cap and reported to work as head coach for a few short months. If Marino came in, had a personal Ryan Tannehill camp, and the team still didn't make the playoffs per usual, who lost there? 

Coach Marino's passion might rub off on this team.
Under Philbin, the Dolphins have been the worst first-quarter team in football — that's a fact, proven over a large sample size. The Dolphins come out looking like trash and sometimes recover, but sometimes they don't. If there's one thing everyone knows about Marino, he doesn't take imperfection well, and he'll let you hear about it if you had a part in flubbing the plan. 

Philbin is an under-.500 coach who repeatedly sends out a flat team. Marino would be an improvement in the passion department. Want to make a splash, Ross? Marino is much splashier than Fergie. Nobody has seen Fergie in seven years. Seriously, is she dead? 

It's not so crazy that an ex-QB might become a successful NFL coach.
This notion that Marino doesn't know enough about coaching needs to stop. He's forgotten more about football than Philbin will ever know. Lazor? He'd be lucky if Marino would let him put the quarters in the Coke machine when he's thirsty. Marino could walk into the building tomorrow and do a better job than Philbin.

Philbin didn't go to Head Coaching University; he watched as others coached and called plays for Aaron Rodgers. Marino could have done that. Stop making a head coach some highly qualified position only well-seasoned applicants can fill. Marino is a Hall of Fame QB who learned from the best: Don Shula. Dan would do just fine. 

Now with all that said, the simple fact is that Marino will never be the coach of the Miami Dolphins. It's not because he can't or Ross wouldn't hire him, but because he probably has zero desire to babysit this collection of underachievers for the next five months. 

We still think he would do an awesome job, though.

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.