Fat Guy From Teen Mom Blows $5,000 at Miami Strip Club Because the World Is Sad and Horrible

We don't know who Gary Shirley is. We don't know why a show sensationalizing the exploits of poor, uneducated teenagers clearly unfit to be parents is so popular. We don't know why anyone connected to this show has $5,000 and then would blow it all at a strip club. We don't know why anyone would blow $5,000 at a strip club in the first place. We don't know anything but that we feel very dirty and slightly depressed for writing this. We're sorry.

So, Gary Shirley is responsible for providing the sperm that turned high school dropout Amber Portwood into a titular Teen Mom. Of course, MTV is responsible for turning them both into something oddly passing as celebrities in 2011, and apparently she beat him once. Now she's in rehab. It's all very worrisome and disheartening.

TMZ reports Shirley recently spent several hours at a Miami strip club (no word on which one). The site terms the outing "11 hours of boob-filled butt-flossy awesomeness." We call it an American nightmare. He spent $5,000 during those 11 hours after starting out in the VIP room and then heading to the champagne room.

TMZ has pictures, and they are all sad. He was wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt. One of the strippers had a pink tramp stamp and matching leg warmers. Dear Lord.

We don't know how much these Teen Mom people actually make from the show. Is it enough to be spending $5,000 at a strip club? Aren't there, you know, actually children involved in this sad mess? Don't these people realize that their 15 minutes are probably running out and after all of this they'll basically be unemployable? Shouldn't they be saving this money? Honestly, we don't know why anyone would spend $5,000 at a strip club. It's all very sad. Sure, maybe $20 for a lap dance one night when you're drunk and out with your buddies, but spending 11 hours in a strip-atorium just reeks of a certain kind of tragedy of a broken, lonely human spirit.

All we know is please call someone close to you tonight and tell them you love them. Please.

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Kyle Munzenrieder