Failed Mayoral Candidate Joe Martinez Has a Cologne

Former Miami-Dade County commissioner and failed mayoral candidate Joe Martinez has launched his own cologne. It's called the Commissioner. It has top notes of anise and cardamom. It retails for $33.33 online. It comes with the tag line "There's no future quitting." It's being sold in stores exclusively by Santayana Jewelry. These are all facts. This is a thing that is actually happening. A former Miami-Dade County commissioner has an actual cologne.

According to the Miami Herald, Martinez toured Concept II Cosmetics, a Doral-based fragrance maker last year while still on the commission. The company decided to whip up a small batch of a signature scent in honor of the commissioner, but Martinez smelled a business opportunity and is actually marketing and selling the cologne.

It's an odd decision considering he just launched his own consulting company and announced plans to run for Congress as a Republican against Rep. Joe Garcia. So his plate is kind of full.

Sadly, the particularly awful-looking website for the fragrance means it probably doesn't have much of an advertising budget. Otherwise, we have a pretty good pitch for a flashy TV commercial.

Remember that ad Nicole Kidman did for Chanel No. 5 in which she's running from the paparazzi in the streets of Paris? OK, it's basically exactly like that. But instead of Nicole Kidman, it's Martinez. And instead of Chanel haute couture, the wardrobe is a brown Men's Wearhouse suit.

A mocked-up Miami Herald front page appears on screen with the headline "Future of County Depends Solely on the Commissioner's Vote." Reporters hound Martinez as he runs to a waiting car. "Commissioner! Commissioner! How will you vote?" they shout. Just before entering the car, he whips out the bottle, sprays it directly into his face and whispers, "I'll vote with my nose." Then a sexy voiceover proclaims, "The Commissioner: The brave fragrance for men."

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kyle Munzenrieder