Exclusive Pokemon Go Characters Released in Miami

Look outside. The streets are teeming with zombiefied screen watchers. People wander day and night through parks and parking lots. They’re trying to catch ’em all, dammit! These digital pocket monsters aren’t going to catch themselves.

Pokémon Go became a worldwide sensation literally overnight earlier this month. The mobile app game that allows players to catch adorable cartoon creatures, train them, level them up, and battle them for fake money and bragging rights has been downloaded more than 10 million times since July 6. It's more than a phenomenon. It’s a Pokénomenon, and Miami is caught in the wildfire like a hapless Bulbasaur before a Charizard.

Because the 20-year-old game is always debuting new Pokémon, New Times figured we’d help the geniuses at Nintendo come up with a few Miami-themed characters.

CP Level: Comes in 20s, 50s, and 100s varieties
Rarity: Very common
Area: Found all over, especially bathrooms in South Beach
Attacks: Hey Man Hustle, Rapid Speech Overload, and Pay Day (slowly drains the victim of money over the course of each round)

CP Level: Unknown
Rarity: Not as rare as it would have you believe
Area: Wynwood, downtown, creeping into Little Haiti
Attacks: Vicious Side Eye, Deep V Cut, Over Explainer (puts victim to sleep for three rounds)

CP Level: Everything 1.99
Rarity: Common
Area: Most mainland areas, with a high concentration in Hialeah neighborhoods; also can be found at the Swap Shop
Attacks: Bitch Brow, Chancleta Chop, and Spanglish Slap (immediately renders the victim baffled and prone to attack)

CP Level: 420
Rarity: Very common
Area: Literally everywhere, even though it’s not supposed to be allowed
Attacks: Munchie Madness, the Hot Box, Spaced Out (he just randomly loses turns when he forgets to attack)

CP Level: 100cc
Rarity: Common
Area: Heavy concentration in South Beach, some in Brickell, may appear at E11even
Attacks: Tit Tease, Sonic Spit, Charge Beam (victim thinks it wins the battle but later finds fraudulent charges on its credit cards)
DJ Khaled

CP Level: Da best
Rarity: Very rare
Area: Found only circling Biscayne Bay at night via Jet Ski
Attacks: No actual attacks; simply gathers other Pokémeng and makes them attack for him (critical hits every time)

CP Level: A devastating 106 was captured just this past year
Rarity: Common
Area: The Everglades, all day, every day
Attacks: Gator Grapple, Fang Bang, and Super Swallow (this snake eats its prey whole)

CP Level: 1
Rarity: Very rare
Area: Found only within a two-mile radius of the American Airlines Arena, though he’s been seen there only sporadically in the past two years
Attacks: Raptor Screech, Power Forward Rush Attack, Sick Burn (supereffective fireballs, but he has to sit out the next two rounds)
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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.