Sports

Eight Types of Dolphins Fans

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Zombie Dolphins fan

Zombie fan is unfazed by the fact that the team has not won a Super Bowl since the Jackson Five released new music, and he will remind you of his loyalty at every turn. Regardless of the transaction or draft pick, he supports management to the point of ridiculousness while spewing false facts like "Jeff Ireland helped build the 85 Bears!" even though in reality he was a 12-year-old ball boy. Anything to help you realize he is a better fan than you and you should just turn in your Dolphins paraphernalia at the nearest Goodwill. Zombie Dolphins fan is one of few species that can be any age, making him extremely dangerous in the wild. Faced with a decision of whether to lose a game and get a higher draft pick or beat the Bills, Zombie Dolphins fan picks the Bills win like a perspectiveless asshole. Unlike a true zombie, this fan isn't turned by a bite; he's just this way because he is incapable of negative emotion, like some kind of fast-food clown drive-thru speaker or something. Zombie fan once thought he was wrong. That was the only time he has ever been wrong.

The Coach

The Coach believes if it worked in Madden a couple thousand times, it must work in real life. Things like "This would be a good time for a flea flicker!" or "Challenge!" are commonly heard when watching a game with the Coach. In reality, every form of Dolphins fan has a little couch Coach in him, but some are flagrantly douchier about it than others. The Coach thinks a commercial break is enough time to get the entire 53-man squad together to give an Al Pacino Any Given Sunday speech and is never in favor of punting, until the Dolphins are stopped on fourth down -- then the real coach is an idiot. Rumor has it that some of these fans take challenge flags to other people's homes and throw them at the TV set. If you see this form of the Coach, kill it with fire.

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.