Sports

Eight Types of Dolphins Fans

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The Girlfriend

This is normally a disaster. The Dolphins girlfriend either doesn't understand "why A GAME is so important to YOU," or she is way too motivated to learn the intricacies of the entire sport at the exact moment of the week that is the least convenient for you seeing as YOU'RE TRYING TO WATCH THE DAMN GAME. If she really cared, she would ask you on Tuesday what the yellow poles the guy kicks the ball between mean, or if the guys on special teams are so special why don't they play more? Depending on the chillness of this woman, she either reluctantly agrees to work around your three- to 12-hour Sunday block of football, or she disregards it. Either way, every Sunday you are one shitty comment away from being single. The NFL has done you no favors in dealing with this woman because there is now a game on nearly every day of the week, and we haven't even factored in college football yet. This season, the Dolphins play on Halloween. Good luck with that one, buddy.

The Boyfriend

Nine times out of ten, this guy sucks. You invite him over to watch the game with the rest of your boys, but he can't make it because he's taking his girl to the movies inexcusably at exactly 1 o'clock. When you ask him how in the world he can miss the game, he says he is recording it, as if that makes everything better. When he does make it to a gathering, he brings the Girlfriend and they proceed to sit together just far away enough from the guys so that his secret bro life is not exposed. Sometimes there is even a sliding glass window involved between the couple and the TV, and because of his shenanigans, suddenly you're his personal Scott Hanson from the Red-Zone Channel, constantly required to get him up to speed on the action. Boyfriend Dolphins fan eventually grows into Married Dolphins fan, and his balls are released of the Sunday camel clutch slightly due to the fact that his children now distract his wife enough so he can sneak away for a few hours. Seriously, the only escape for the Boyfriend is to make tiny people come out of the Girlfriend's vagina that cause her to care less about him and what the hell he does. Bold move, Cotton.

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.