Eight Types of Dolphins Fans

Page 2 of 4

Indifferent Dolphins Fan

Indifferent Dolphins fan is indifferent. This fan is just as close to painting his face as he is to putting a paper bag over it, which is to say he is not very close at all to doing either of these things because that would require giving a shit. Indifferent Dolphins fan watches the games at this point only out of pure habit and still wears a Daunte Culpepper jersey as a sign of the last time he even remotely cared. There is zero chance indifferent Dolphins fan ever attends a game in person, because indifferent Dolphins fan spends as little money as possible on his Dolphins fan indifference, which is why he is normally seen holding a Bud Light can. Indifferent Dolphins fan is the goth of the Dolphins fan community. Screw the conformists!

The Historian

1972. Larry Csonka. Mercury Morris. THE KILLER B'S! Over and over and over! Hey, Al Bundy, we have heard about your four-touchdown game at Polk High every year at this time since Woodstock -- we get it. There are Dolphins fans who were wearing diapers the last time this team won a championship who are now just a few more rebuilding years away from wearing diapers once again. On the positive side, no one has more pride in the team than the Historian. On the negative side, the Historian has grandchildren who are sick of losing. The worst part about the Historian is how freaking jelly we are of him. That, and the fact that he has gray noise hair and smells like Drakkar Noir, but mostly because we are jealous he actually saw this team win -- even if it was in black-and-white. The Historian once got wasted with Kim Bokamper and remembers when Don Shula was the Erik Spoelstra of the NFL.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.