Like so many lonely, overtanned divorcées, Marlins Park might soon get its very own in-house pool boy.
The Clevelander and Marlins Park have put out a call for local hunks who don't mind walking around in nothing but swim trunks while watching baseball. It'll be a far cry from the days when the most man flesh you saw at a Marlins game belonged to the now-defunct pleasantly plump male dance team the Manatees.
"Pool boy hopefuls should be 21 years old or older, know their way around the water, and feel comfortable participating in the best party in baseball in a swimsuit, interacting with guests, Clevelander dancers and pool goers, serving as eye candy and party starter all in one package!" reads the contest's Facebook page.
Yes, this is a competition. Pool-boy hopefuls are asked to email photos of themselves (they are reminded to keep it classy) and the reason they think they'd be best for the job to firstname.lastname@example.org by this Thursday.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Five finalists will be selected, and the ultimate choice will be made this Saturday at the Nationals game.
Technically, this contest isn't being run by the Marlins, but we're pretty sure this will make Marlins Park the first stadium in the league with a pool boy on staff (at least the kind of pool boy meant to ogle and not just to check your chlorine level).
Granted, this isn't the most traditional baseball stunt, but we're all for equal-opportunity objectification. Plus, with the popularity of Magic Mike, the time is ripe for the team to attract a female and gay male fan base that's thirsting for some six-packs. Unfortunately, noted booty-shorts enthusiast Logan Morrison already has a job at the stadium, but maybe if this contest is successful, the team will implement Speedo uniform night. Wait, no, sorry. That is not even worth joking about. Sorry, Heath Bell.