International News

Castro Death Meter: Fidel Still Way More Dead Than Chavez, Analysts Proclaim

Amid all the brouhaha over Hugo Chavez going all Bobby Fischer on South America's ass, the world seems to have forgotten about the original undead dictator. And he's taking the lack of attention personally. A couple of missives (translated) from his official Twitter feed:

fidelcastro: @hugochavez nOOb.

fidelcastro: @AP Hey, I'm dyin' over here!

Our team of high-priced analysts -- who all wear lab coats, look like Jeff Goldblum, and generally rule -- jumped on the situation. We sent the scientists a series of photos taken the last time Chavez was seen, when he met with Castro in a seminal moment for track jacket enthusiasts across the globe, and they scanned them into a giant, whirring computer.

The good news: Castro hasn't been this dead in years. The bad news (for ladyfans): Chavez is starting to look more and more like a Hispanic Kevin James.

How dead is Fidel?: 86%

How dead is that?: You know how in Japan they serve freshly diced octopus while it's still wriggling? Fidel's kind of like that. He's not alive in any sort of skipping through daisies, playing chess with nietos, or, you know, breathing type of way, but he can still move his tentacles and make weird groaning sounds. Our analysts believe-- based on a Lifetime movie they watched on Friday-- that he may be purposefully harming himself out of jealousy over the attention being paid to his big sister's Chavez's illness, and that his parents should hide all sharp objects in the house and make sure he's not vomiting after meals.

Chavez, in case you're wondering, is a pathetic 48% dead. Here he is Terri Schiavo-strength, and he's disappearing and feeling all sorry for himself. What a pussy.

Meanwhile, Cuban officials tell us that Castro is healthier than anybody else on the planet and recently dunked on Blake Griffin's face in a game of one-on-on. Venezuelan insiders assure us that Chavez recently won a global empanada eating contest and then regurgitated the meat-filled pastry into the gaping maws of his country's peasantry, and also invented an awesome new Olympics-ready sport that is a mix of polo, bocce, and archery.

How fearful should the American oligarchy be?: Like we're watching Sixth Sense for the first time in theatres, and they show that shot of the colonial dudes hanging in the school hallway-- that scared and startled. Counting Kim Jong Il, USA is now being stalked by three sinewy, mouth-bleeding and decomposing dictators who could totally join forces and, like, send an operative over here to creepily mutilate some housecats or something.

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Gus Garcia-Roberts