Editor's Note: The following is not a poem, not quite a rap. But feel free to sing along.
Muffin top real fat
my pockets so slim -
How the hell am I supposed to get a workout in?
You wont catch me huffin and puffin down the street,
and my kids laugh when i try to get fit on the Wii.
So f-f-free is what it's gonna have to be
If the fat is gonna melt.
Please help me see my belt.
Sure, Sir-Chips-a-Lot. But before you figure out "how to lose the weight" you should probably figure out how far you have to go. Option A: head to Collins Avenue and pop in and out of the shops from 5th to 9th Streets. Multiply the number of sales associates that ignore you by 4.2 and that's how many pounds you should shed. Option B: Hit ProperForm at 1935 West Avenue (next to the Publix) and have one of their uber-buff trainers shove you into an egg-shaped contraption called a BOD POD. You must wear your bathing suit (for extra embarrassment), but it's absolutely free and finding out your body composition is pretty important. Rather than relying on what the scale says, you'll be able to accurately tell how much of your bod is fat-free and how much is fat-ty. Knowing exactly how lean you are may sound like something a hunk of Kobe beef worries about, but it can dictate the fitness and nutrition changes you need to make to reach personal health goals.
And if you're reeeally serious about building a new you, the studio is offering 3 $50 private training sessions after the initial BOD POD-dery. Tell us how it goes - we're not that serious.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Call the studio at 305-531-8818 for more information.