Aliens, military wackos, and the next war

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke dissects the worldwide UFO conspiracy.

A propaganda campaign to prepare us for the next big war is underway. But this time, the enemy is neither a terrorist nor a communist. Our new nemesis is from another galaxy — that is, if you believe a bunch of former military men who two weeks ago held a news conference in Washington, D.C., to let us know Martians exist and they want our nuclear weapons. Now that's bananas.

Two former Air Force captains, Robert Salas and Bruce Fenstermacher, told reporters at the National Press Club about their close encounters of the third kind. Just like all UFO crazies, these fools described seeing strange bright lights in the sky. Salas, who was a launch officer for intercontinental ballistic missiles, told of a "red glowing object hovering outside the front gate" of a nuclear test site. Fenstermacher claims to have seen a UFO shaped like "a fat cigar with a pulsating white light." Maybe it was a hyperspace vibrator. After all, aliens like to get their freak on too.

This sounds like the premise behind a Will Smith movie, not reality. Sci-fi flicks, TV shows, and documentaries have trained us to believe aliens exist. And they're on an Earth-bound safari to hunt the human race.

I'm telling y'all: It's a scam to keep financing the military defense industry.

The UFOs are being made in China. Then they are exported to the United States, where the CIA and the Joint Chiefs of Staff concoct sightings to get the mainstream media hyped up. Once this lunacy makes MSNBC and CNN, it floods the Internet. Then before you know it, we're slipping millions more into the defense budget.

So Americans better get ready to pay $100 trillion in defense funds to protect ourselves from extraterrestrial armies in a George Lucas-style intergalactic conflict. The new Republican majority in Congress will try to call Dick Cheney out of retirement and give a contract to Xe Services to handle the Earth's security. Steve Jobs will get a $50 billion deal to create an iPad so we can iChat with E.T. And we'll revive Ronald Reagan's Star Wars defense system, only this time to repel weapons of mass destruction such as the Death Star.

And when Obama won't approve the $100 trillion, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and the Tea Partiers will claim the president is weak on defense because he's a Muslim from Alpha Centauri.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Listen to Luke's podcast, The Luke Show.