Airport security is racist and stupid

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke gets in on the Transportation Security Administration body scanner controversy.

The Transportation Security Administration employees get to see a lot of naked people nowadays. Before I traveled to Atlanta to spend Thanksgiving with my family, I was cool with the idea of the x-ray body scanners at airport security checkpoints. Patting people down is molestation. I have a problem with that. The only time anybody should get searched is if they are being placed under arrest.

But then I had to step through the scanner this past November 25. Only minorities were going through the motherfucker. It was five black folks — including me — an Asian lady, and an Arab dude. All the white people went through the metal detector. When I stepped onto the machine, they told me to hold my arms over my head and cup my hands. Before I stepped out, I shot the bird at the person who was looking at me. I felt violated.

It felt as if they were analyzing my body parts. I wondered if there was a lady on the other end and if she appreciated my assets. After all, that is what most men want to know. I would feel more comfortable if they took me into a separate room and had a lady look at me naked. In fact, every citizen should have a choice of who looks at them naked. Really, who is the person behind the camera? How does the TSA choose the people who look at us naked? How does the agency make sure they are not perverts? And how many hours do they spend looking at naked people? Do other workers relieve them before they become freaks from staring at so many genitals?

And if employees get fired, how do authorities make sure they won't retaliate by writing a tell-all book about which male celebrities are well endowed and which ones are packing Vienna sausages? In today's social-media-crazy world, it wouldn't be surprising to see a disgruntled TSA employee tweeting about Lil Wayne's member.

The TSA tells the public we need to stay one step ahead of the terrorists. But this is ridiculous. Even if we turn airports into fortresses, those who want to do us harm will find a way. It is the reality of the world in which we live. The federal government should spend more money on the people whose job it is to stop terror attacks. More resources need to be given to the FBI, the CIA, and local law enforcement to profile and track down the real terrorists like they did with the arrest of the alleged Christmas tree bomber in Portland, Oregon.

Until that happens, I'm gonna keep holding up my middle finger to the TSA. Or maybe they should change the name to the T 'n' A.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Listen to Luke's podcast, The Luke Show.