| Columns |

A Real-Life Pretty Lady, Young Don King, and Future Hair

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Arrested: 12/2
Charged with: Resisting officer without violence
All right, dude, we don't really feel like you're trying very hard, but you do have the requisite number of face tattoos. You made the cut. Sign this release. (Just kidding. There is no release. As soon as somebody featured on Mugshots Friday finds out about it, we're all dead.)

Arrested: 11/29
Charged with: Carrying concealed weapon
This guy is just pleasant to look at. Sort of like a black Doug -- although in Doug, the black character was Smurf blue? Never noticed that before. His name was Skeeter Valentine. What a fucked-up show.

Arrested: 12/2
Charged with: Lewd and lascivious battery on a child under 12
You're really helping your cause with this mug shot, dude. You don't look cretinous and hate-filled at all.

Arrested: 11/30
Charged with: Leaving scene of injury-causing crash
This is purely for page views. Moving on...

Arrested: 11/28
Charged with: Attempted first-degree murder of a law enforcement officer, fleeing police officer, leaving scene of an accident with property damage
We did a little background research on this guy. Apparently he was arrested for attempted murder of a cop, and he already had a warrant out for fleeing the car accident that left him looking like Wile E. Coyote. (He also has his arm in a sling and walks with crutches.) So just in case you're feeling sorry for yourself over the holidays, think about this guy. We're going to keep this mug shot in our wallet as a picker-upper when we're down.

Arrested: 11/29
Charged with: Aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, knowingly driving with a suspended license
Of course Young Don King would get arrested when he travels to the future, totally throwing off the space-time continuum. Thanks a lot.

Arrested: 11/26
Charged with: Battery
We have some pretty evil-looking thugs on MF, but she might be the truly scariest we've featured. She looks like she will batter not only your face but also your heart.

Arrested: 11/24
Charged with: Criminal mischief
Future hair! You can always pick out the ones who are charged with criminal mischief.

Arrested: 12/3
Charged with: Trespassing after warning, resisting officer without violence
We haven't seen the police report, but we're pretty sure this guy is living out a real-life R. Kelly plot and that he's a hard-working chauffeur who stopped by his gold-digging girlfriend's house to surprise her with an engagement ring and found her banging a rich midget in the closet.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.