Welcome to the first annual WTF Florida Awards ceremony. It's the only award show celebrating the special brand of bizarre depravity we excel at down here in the Sunshine State. Black tie isn't required. In fact, jorts and a NASCAR cap are preferred.
Earlier this week we handed out awards in the fields of politics and sex. Today we honor all the Floridians who excelled at breaking the law this year.
Read also:
- 2012 in Weird Florida Politics
Family Feud of the Year
It's not a real family reunion in Florida until someone gets arrested.
The nominees:
- Marina Searchwell for beating up her husband after he asked to use their bead with another woman. [Source]
- Christopher Phillips for headlocking his mother after she used his taco sauce. [source]
- Robyn Harr for biting her daughter because she refused to turn off a Rihanna CD. [source]
- William Jenkins for smearing dog poop in his mother's face after she refused him a shot of vodka. [source]
- Allen Casey for hitting his boyfriend because he wouldn't stop listening to Alanis Morissette. [source]
And the winner is: Christopher Phillips
If your entire household erupts into a free-for-all over a bottle of taco sauce you really need to reevaluate your priorities. After Phillips found out his mom used his sauce on her dinner he headlocked her. Phillips' girlfriend also slapped the mom four times and got arrested as well.
The Nancy Reagan Award for Providing Perfect Examples Why You Should "Just Say No" to Drugs
You say no to drugs, these Floridians can't.
The nominees:
- Jerek L. Evans for setting up a mini-meth lab in the passenger seat of a car and causing an explosion that killed the driver. [Source]
- Ariosto Wyman, a 300 pound, one legged drug dealer, for attempting to hop away from police. [source]
- Sara Barnes for smoking meth inside of Florida's oldest tree and accidentally burning it down. [source]
- Stephen Tilburry for shooting himself in the head to wake up from a bad shroom trip. [source]
And the winner is: Sara Barnes
"The Senator", a 3,500-year-old, 118 ft. high bald cypress in Winter Park was Florida's oldest tree until it crossed paths with Barnes. She regularly went by the tree at night to do drugs, and decided to light a fire one night so she could see what drugs she was doing. The fire eventually brought down the tree and Barnes took photos of it on her phone but didn't bother to tell anyone until an anonymous tip brought her to justice. Police found meth in her home.
Special Achievement in Robbery
Like all nominees, these Floridians are also stealing our state's otherwise sterling reputation from us.
The nominees:
- Fake Barack Obama for robbing a McDonald's in a Barack Obama mask. [source]
- Cedrick Mitchell for dropping his gun during an attempted motel robbery and then buying it back form his victims for $40. [source]
- Cody Conner for attempting to rob a porn store, but then getting convinced to fill out a job application. [source]
- Mellisa Mansfield for stealing a car, and getting caught because she pulled over to take a poop on the side of I-95. [source]
And the winner is: Cody Conner
If you're going to attempt an armed robbery, you better make sure you're committed to it. This 17-year-old tried to rob Cupid's Corner in Debary, but a store clerk managed to talk him out of it and even got him to fill out an employment application. Of course, she promptly turned over the application, with all of Conner's identifying details, to police.
Excellence in DUIs
Just call a cab, seriously people.
The nominees:
- Kevin Brann for wearing a buttplug and rear ending another car. [source]
- Maureen Raymond for telling police her "big bobbies" prevented her from passing a sobriety test. [source]
- Paul J. and Belinda Jean Berloni for driving drunk while towing their granddaughter behind their SUV in Hot Wheels car. [source]
- Dr. Zachary Bird for spitting blood everywhere after his DUI and basically going insane. [source]
- Kimberly McCarthy for racking up three DUIs in the month but avoiding jail time because she didn't know driving while stoned was illegal. [source]
And the winner is: Kevin Brann
Buddy come on, never ever wear a butt plug in a car just out of the fear that if you do end up rear ending another car you're just giving snarky bloggers easy ammo to make jokes about "read ending."
